Rapport is the recognition and mutual acceptance that exists between people  at ease with each another and where communication is good.

Rapport is the essential basis for successful communication for if there is no rapport there is no real communication. When people are in rapport with us they tend to respond easier to our proposals and generally, to us.

Rapport is the empathy and trusts necessary for the foundation of all good relationships. Rapport is built through gestures, tone, looks, pauses and in processes so detailed that they escape control by our conscious minds.

Generally, we gravitate towards people that we think are similar as we like people like us.

With rapport, similarities are emphasised and differences are minimised. We experience rapport naturally with close friends or with those with whom we share interests, however, the ability to create rapport can be learned and which used to create better relationships and even with those we disagree with.

The core concept of rapport is that we tend to conform socially with others behaviour, this happens through comparing our own map of the world with the behaviour of others in all situations. If conforming is seen possible or useful then we begin the processes of conforming and of building rapport; to demonstrate that we are like them

The most effective ways of creating rapport are

Subtly matching non-verbal signals like voice patterns and eye contact.

By taking an interest in others and their map of the world.

1. Matching non-verbal signals

Rapport can be built by using the sound of your voice and with eye contact. Your aim is to be subtle and out of their awareness.
Matching is the process of establishing a physical and responsive relationship with others. Physically it is reflecting about 50% of another persons behaviours; physical positioning, leg position, hands, arms, back, head, etc.,

All this needs to be subtle for If they become aware that you are trying to physically match them, then the matching will become a mockery, unproductive and possibly destroy your efforts.

Begin by subtly matching non-verbal behaviour, this is known as pacing.

2. Taking interest.

Here rapport happens because of genuine interest in another’s map of the world.

Your ability to develop rapport will come by practice and you will be able to create rapport with others whether or not you like them and whether you have common interests.

Pacing is the process of sending feedback through our own behaviour, their own behaviour. We physically demonstrate their map of the world. Pacing mood, gestures, breathing and facial expressions, shows we have empathy with their state of being because we can emulate it. Doing so increases our chances that they will see in us someone close to their way of being or viewing the world.

Pacing is the process of graceful mirroring and moving in response to others. This is checking in every couple of minutes with the situation to be sure that they have not fallen out of physical rapport with others.

To pace feelings doesn’t make it necessary to know the reasons for their feelings, it is enough for us to pace the way by the way they show these feelings

Then gently attempt to Lead by making one small change in your non-verbal behaviour, if they then use similar behaviour you have rapport. If not, go back and begin again. Developing rapport must be subtle, if these processes become obvious you may find others can become uncomfortable.

At the unconscious level they will perceive that a person likes them, starting off from their way of being, has obtained things that they believed impossible for those “like this”, like themselves.

Leading
Leading naturally follows from effective matching and pacing. There comes an unconscious point in the mediator’s facilitative relationship with the parties where sufficient rapport has been developed so that the parties will automatically and unconsciously follow the mediator’s physical lead.

This lead might be a lean forward to a more involved physical position (often using “props” like ground rules or a provision for consideration) or it may be a turn to the flip chart.

You may want to think of leading as the “yawning phenomenon.” My guess is that you are familiar with situations where you are out with family or friends and one person in the group yawns.

An unconscious signal is sent to the others that it is alright for them to also be in touch with their tiredness and, low and behold, a stream of yawns follows. You might also think of your response in a group when one person cleans between their teeth with a finger nail how tempted you are to do the same (or at least to search between your teeth with your tongue).

There is a saying that “resistance is a sign of insufficient pacing.”

If you find that one or more mediating parties are simply not following your suggested considerations, the odds are that at least one-party experiences that you have not fully absorbed and reflected what they are trying to communicate.

Parties in mediation have typically been rehearsing their “performance” for weeks. They are not going anywhere with you as mediator until they are fully convinced that you genuinely and fully understand where they are coming from, what they have experienced and what they are trying to say.

It is only at this point, when you as mediator are able to summarize where they are at perhaps even better than they have ever been able to, that you as mediator will be given unconscious permission to “take the lead” in helping that party to move on to consider their next step

In each case, you instantly build rapport by entering the other participant’s world and acknowledging his or her state of being and communications (rather than ignoring them with words like “but” or “however”). You create a bonding frame of agreement and open the door to redirecting the consideration without resistance.

Additional Variables for Building Rapport
There are many additional ways to support your having an effective working relationship with each participant.

Many are listed below. Perhaps the greatest challenge is to develop rapport with each individual party in a way that does not threaten your rapport with the other party.

The mediator constantly needs to balance the conscious and unconscious attention being paid to each participant so that they each feel honoured and heard and ready to work toward solution. Consider the following additional opportunities for building rapport.

Small talk
Matching key phrases and words
Matching representational systems
Style/formality of clothing
Gestures
Body position (whole body or part body)
Breathing
Voice tempo
Voice volume
Tonality and intonation of sentences and phrases

TIPS FOR RAPPORT-BUILDING

How might we build rapport with our students? Try any or all of the following suggestions for developing rapport with your students:

Learn to call your students by name.

Learn something about your students’ interests, hobbies, and aspirations.

Create and use personally relevant class examples.

Arrive to class early and stay late — and chat with your students.

Explain your course policies-and why they are what they are.

Post and keep office hours.

Get on line-use e-mail to increase accessibility to your students.

Interact more, lecture less — emphasize active learning.

Reward student comments and questions with verbal praise;

Be enthusiastic about teaching and passionate about your subject matter.

Lighten up — crack a joke now and then.

Be humble and, when appropriate, self-deprecating.

Make eye contact with each student-without staring, glaring, or flaring.

Be respectful.

Don’t forget to smile!

If you want, you can spend months practising mirroring and matching.

Or, you can start off right.

When you start to use the right skill in the right context everything else falls into place. To do this, you can simply anchor a state from which you had best access to that skill.

Here’s how I did it:

Found a time when I got rapport quickly and easily. For me, this was with a close friend (surprise!)

Replayed what went through my head very slowly.

Noticed what state I was in as I started to get rapport.

Associated into that state and anchored it. I used a visual anchor because they work much more quickly for me – the image I chose was something I imagined at the start of the strategy.

Simply used that anchor every time I wanted rapport eg. if I didn’t expect to get the kind of response I wanted.

The Verbal Language of Rapport

Pacing verbal communication strongly influences the depth of rapport you establish with another person

Pacing volume is also a useful tactic. Someone who speaks softly will appreciate someone else who speaks softly.

Likewise, someone who speaks loudly will often have more respect for you and will recognise a kindred spirit if you match their volume. As a matter of fact, on occasion you might even want to exceed the others’ volume to get them to speak more softly.

By giving somebody a reflection of themselves and even exaggerating that reflection somewhat you can often cause them to modify their behaviour.

Some people find that they can control others by going out of control, they exploit the predictable behaviour of those around them.

The plan to go out of control in such a way that other people will acquiesce and placate.

Children may learn to scream and throw temper tantrums in order to control other people. If you pace that behaviour by also throwing a tantrum (not at the child, but with the child) a miraculous and amusing calm can set in. The child’s astonishment can then give way to humour and the act is broken.

The message to remember is –If you want to change someone else’s behaviour, the best approach is to change your own. The resulting change in the system will often prompt the other person to change themselves to re-establish the balance and the illusion of control.

Words, phrases and images people use give us important information about the inner worlds they inhabit.

By pacing this aspect of their speech, you are telling them that you understand them and they can trust you. When you’re talking with other people, it’s a good idea to incorporate as many of their words, phrases, and their images into your conversation as comfortably as you can.

Don’t mimic other people’s accent or speak a jargon you don’t have mastery of.

You should be sensitive of their level of vocabulary and imagery and try to reflect it as closely as you comfortably can. Avoid in your own speech any jargon that the other person doesn’t understand.

Putting someone in the position of either appearing stupid or feeling stupid will only make them resent you as pedantry blocks rapport. An individual may reject your idea not because it’s weak but because they may not understand it the way you’ve presented it.

Having requisite variety means being able to avoid those styles that inadvertently turn other people away.

Having the flexibility to use words, phrases and images familiar to other people is important. If we listen carefully to the language other people use, we will know what words, phrases, and images they feel at home with.

In the world of business, it helps to learn a few words of a foreign associate’s language. It would be seen as a goodwill gesture. Also, body language can help to bridge the gap. However, be careful of gestures as they could bear different meaning in other cultures.

Speak more like others and you’ll see that they’ll respond more positively towards you. They’ll appreciate you more, you’ll dramatically increase your effectiveness in getting their co-operation and support.

Pacing Beliefs And Opinions

Keep in mind that the goal of pacing is to be able to lead the other person in the direction you want him to go.

Here come a fine technique from the repertory of the art of persuasion: Validate something other people know to be true, and then lead them to consider and finally to accept other possibilities.

However well intentioned and correct our efforts to enlighten others might be, they are doomed to be jeopardised from start if we begin by informing the erratic that they are in error. The most likely result of such a course is defensiveness. To an extent our reality is made up of our beliefs, therefore, to tamper with people’s beliefs is to tamper with their reality. Tread lightly. Pace the belief and then lead with your suggestion.

You should not compromise your integrity or pretend to believe in something you do not. Find some way of validating another part of their belief or some experience of theirs.

As Thomas Jefferson once said, “In matters of principle, stand firm like a rock; in matters of opinion flow like a river.”

Find a point of agreement on which to build your case, then if necessary move into areas of disagreement or misunderstanding.

Remember ;It’s much easier and much more effective to move from agreement to agreement than from disagreement to agreement.

Pacing Breathing

Nothing is more vital to us than the voluntary and involuntary inhaling and exhaling of air. But we seldom think about it.

The synchronisation of breathing is one of the oldest rapport building techniques on record. In some variations of tantra yoga, where the objective is to achieve a spiritual merging, two individuals hold each other gently and breathe together until the apparent barriers separating them drop away and the experience is one of unity, the inspiration and expiration of a single organism, not two separate entities.

Next Step: Leading

When you have achieved rapport with someone, the next step you take they are apt/likely to follow.

When you’re with someone you are either pacing (doing something similar ) or leading (doing something different). There are no other possibilities.

If your primary objective is to simply get along with another person then pacing some of their behaviour is sufficient. But if your objective is to persuade, to bring them to a new awareness, then you must lead.

Using this model, the strategy is to pace first then lead. Meet the person where they already are and then suggest some new options. This approach works more frequently and more effectively than any other. Sometimes it’s not appropriate to lead quickly, sometimes it’s wiser to back off and not to lead at all. Different situations will dictate different approaches

As a rule, the “pace then lead” strategy is a very effective way to persuade.

How To Test For Rapport

Before trying to lead someone it’s a good idea to find out if you’ve effectively established rapport.

This can be done unobtrusively at the non verbal level by synchronising with some aspect of their body language, such as posture.

Mirror the other person for a short time (a few minutes are sufficient). Then change your posture and wait to see if they respond. Their response could be a move to mirror your new posture, or it might be a shifting, a settling in on their part to restore balance to the system.

What you are looking for here is a congruent, or complementary, response by the other person.

When Not To Pace

Whenever you’re doing something that isn’t working, stop and do something else. That’s why it’s useful to have enough variety in your responses for your purposes. It’s a good idea not to pace something the other person is not comfortable with, such as stuttering, limping, or asthmatic breathing. Don’t pace accents.

Avoid tics and nervous mannerisms that might call attention to what you’re doing. In a matter of beliefs don’t agree with something that violates your cherished principles. There’s usually enough in another person’s belief system to align yourself with for the purpose of establishing common ground.

Should you pace resistant behaviour?

Some experts say that you shouldn’t; whilst others say you should pace and then lead the behaviour to become more open.

Also, remember that gestures and postures do not have a universal meaning.

Outcomes of Pacing And Rapport

Pacing creates a harmonious climate for your ideas and suggestions because what you are doing is: accepting the other person. You’re saying (whether literally or figuratively) that you both speak the same language, you’re on the same wavelength and you are sharing a common experience.

Your acceptance leads to their acceptance of you. Pacing reduces resistance because — no matter what they do — you can synchronise, go with the flow and then redirect it. When pacing you’re telling the other person that you’re alike and this creates rapport and with it an atmosphere of trust and credibility.

When pacing someone you also do significant things to and for yourself. Pacing effectively will take the attention off yourself. You don’t have to worry about what to do with your hands or feet, how to sit, how fast to move, at what rate to speak, what level of vocabulary to use and so on.

You take the cues from the other person and get in synch with him. When you act like another person, you begin to feel many of that person’s feelings. One advantage of this is that you begin to know intuitively what to suggest and when to make the suggestion.

Pacing is one of the secrets of the power of suggestion.

Summary of Rapport Tutorial

Rapport is a relation marked by harmony, conformity, accord, or affinity. In persuasion, it is important that you can establish a strong bond of rapport with the person you want to influence.

Pacing may be thought of as holding a mirror up to people so what they see, hear, or feel is consistent with their experience of themselves and their reality. Pacing involves getting into alignment or agreement with the other person and communicating the message “I’m like you, you can trust me, I’m on your side.

Pacing, when used effectively enables you to achieve a profound level of empathy with other human beings. Pacing not only has a powerful effect on others, it has a dramatic effect on you.

A major objective of pacing is to so closely match the other person’s ongoing experience so that the distinction between what they’re doing and what you’re doing becomes blurred (at the unconscious level).

This enables you to successfully lead them into new areas of experience. When you’re in rapport with another person, the next step you take they are likely to follow it.

Suggestions For Practicing Establishing Rapport

Many people find that speech rate is the easiest thing to pace initially. Listen to the rate of people’s speech and reproduce it in your conversations with them. After a short while, you’ll find that you can do this without even thinking about it. You find that you are already doing it with people. The aim is to do it without conscious effort, so that it becomes an automatic part of your behaviour, like riding a bike or driving a car.

2) Speaking rates vary considerably. Some people speak slowly, pausing to find the words or phrases. Others speak rapidly and seem to have no trouble at all finding words, the only difficulty they seem to have is in getting the words out quickly enough. If your style is to speak more slowly, you might have difficulty pacing a rapid speaker, but with practice it can be done. You’ll find that your thought processes alter as you change your speech rate. This is one of the most effective ways you’ll ever find to approach another person’s mind. After you’ve become adept at pacing, you’ll begin to notice that you’ve become much more adept at anticipating what the other person is about to say. What happens when this occurs is that you have so attuned yourself to the other person’s way of speaking, thinking, and behaving that you are able to engage in a form of mind reading. The two of you will become one, so to speak.

3) As with any new skill, pacing is something that comes easily after you practice it systematically. It’s a good idea to practice one thing at a time — mood, body language, rate of speech, and so on. After you become proficient at pacing, you will be able do it without thinking about it. It will come naturally and easily.

4) Every day, practice pacing some aspect of another person’s ongoing experience. Take one thing at a time until it becomes natural and comfortable for you.

5) As you watch television, practice sitting in the same position as someone you’re watching. Notice how your feelings and experience off yourself change as you assume different postures. Talk shows are good for this exercise, because you often have an opportunity to pace several different individuals.

Trust Defined

Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common purpose.

Building relationships requires the building of trust. Trust is the expectancy of people that they can rely on your word. It is built through integrity and consistency in relationships.

Trust elevates levels of commitment and sustains effort and performance without the need for management controls and close monitoring. Perceptual Positions Defined

Your perception of any experience depends on the position from where you perceive it.

Key Benefits

Taking different perceptual positions enables you to step out of what you are currently experiencing and gather new information by seeing things from a different perspective. You can also check out how your own words and behaviour may be impacting on other people, and how they may be feeling about you and your actions.

This new knowledge will help you make the necessary changes in your behaviour and thus achieve desired outcomes.

Understanding and Fulfilling Needs of Others

One of the golden rules of the therapy profession is that everyone needs at least one person with whom they can openly and unashamedly discuss every little detail – happenings, desires, fears – of their life, whether it is from the past, present, or future.

There are other psychological needs – to be accepted unconditionally, appreciated, recognized, respected, desired, valued, approved of, or complimented – that affect the way we communicate with each other.

Listen carefully, ask questions to show that you are genuinely interested and you’ll be amazed at the spin-offs from becoming a good question asker and a good listener.

Building Relationships

Successful people have the ability to develop relationships that last.

Building relationship requires the building of trust.

Building Relationships

As a business professional, you should ask yourself: “What business am I in?”. The answer is quite simple: if your business has anything to do with people – and ALL businesses do – you are in the business of building relationships.

“Some people think that if they sell things, they are in the business of selling. They aren’t. They are in the business of building relationships – because that’s how you sell things. Those in management are also in the business of building relationships, because that’s how you get things done.”¹…More

Changing Beliefs, Rapport, and You.

This article is designed to teach you how to install new beliefs in yourself. The topic of rapport is as good a place as any to start. Here are some particulars on developing rapport which will be followed by some of the presuppositions I use to support this model. .

Notice here some of the published methods for establishing rapport.

1. Pacing ones patterns of speech.

2. Pacing ones choice of predicates.

3. Pacing ones representational system at time of communication.

4. Pacing ones expressions.

5. Pacing ones movements.

6. Cross pacing ones movements.

7. Pacing ones rhythm.

8. Pacing ones Belief system.

9. Having them pace you.

10. Pacing ones eyes accessing patterns at time of communication.

Here are the presuppositions…

1. In most cases, and for the purpose of effective communication, Rapport is more useful than difference.

2. The more subtle, or unconscious your method for establishing rapport, the more Favourable are your chances for a successful outcome.

3. There is no such thing as resistance, only a lack of rapport.

4. Rapport is not something you get with another person, but rather a process Which you are constantly communicating toward.

5. When ever you are in the process of communication with yourself, or another Person, and you find that you are struggling to get your point across, one of the Following is being created.

5a. You are in the process of down time, paying attention to yourself, and not the other person.

5b. You are in the process of eliciting difference and have moved out of the process of rapport.

6. Rapport is a natural state.

Forceful Communication has its place. You can force people to do things, but more times than not you are going to create an incongruent outcome.

If you force people to do what you want, there is always the chance that they will give in then, but only later respond with communication designed to sabotage the selected outcomes which were the original meaning of that communication.

Therefore, it is more useful to utilize rapport as a method of establishing a foundation for congruent agreement. And, if you ever come across a time when established rapport is not working, then it is time to do something else.

Now, the point of this article is to offer you an opportunity to begin thinking about communication from a different perspective.

The model I am offering here has proven to be a highly effective means in which to establish and deep, undeniable rapport. But like any first step, rapport is only a beginning.

It is where we start, and continue to move forward from. But there is much more to this model that just the beginning. You will find as you continue reading, that you can easily increase your effectiveness in any areas by using the principles offered in this article.

Neil Benbow

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