The definition of co-dependency is more of an understanding of a concept. As a result of its complexities, a simple definition is not suitable. However, when one can understand the many concepts, then a definition becomes clear.

Simply stated, co-dependency/co-dependencies are a pattern of habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms.

This is a result of coming out of an alcoholic or drug addicted home or otherwise preoccupied family.

In these types of homes there are three messages:

a. Don’t talk

b. Don’t feel

c. Don’t trust

In a healthy family, members can talk, can feel, and they can tell the truth.

Living in an environment where one feels as if they’re constantly “walking on egg shells” and “waiting for the other shoe to drop” causes a great deal of stress and anxiety.

This stress/anxiety is heightened when there are rigid, inflexible rules and belief systems imposed on people trapped in one of these families.

As a result, the co-dependent develops habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms to survive: such as – my fear of rejection determines what I say or do or, I like to avoid your anger.

Further to this, these mechanisms cause the co-dependent to be out of touch with who they are because they have been in a mind-altering experience.

Co-dependency is multi-generational and can be present even when there is no active drinking.

The alcoholism and alcoholic traits plus the co-dependent’s behaviour can be passed from one generation to another until an addiction and/or another co-dependency develops.

Co-dependency is a disease that has, as its basis, a dysfunctional family of origin.

Who Can Become a Co-dependent?

Where do we need to look for this dysfunctional behaviour of emerging patterns of co-dependency? We will find it in a person who is alcoholic or non-alcoholic who has been adversely influenced by the following people:

a. Alcoholic or drug dependent parent

b. Co-dependent parent

c. The alcoholic or non-alcoholic who has an addicted spouse

d. Someone who has an addicted child

e. A co-dependent spouse

The result is an inability to maintain functional relationships.

In fact, co-dependents don’t have relationships so much as they take “hostages”.

This latter statement will become clearer as we later examine characteristics of co-dependency.

Most co-dependents have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in their relationships and their childhood.

Many were raised in families where addictions existed – some were not.

An addicted or co-dependent person later influenced many.

In either case, the reality in co-dependent’s lives is that co-dependency is a most deeply rooted compulsive behaviour and that it is borne out of sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems.

Co-dependents have each experienced in their own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of their childhood and relationships throughout their lives.

They attempted to use others, their mates, friends and even their children as their sole source of identity, value and well-being and, as a way of trying to restore within themselves the emotional losses from their childhood.

Their histories may include other powerful addictions, which at times, they have used to cope with their co-dependencies.

The bottom line here is that the addictions that manifest themselves may possibly be, symptoms of a co-dependent personality.

Stages of Co-Dependency

The three stages of co-dependency are as follows:

1. Early: In this early stage, the co-dependent learns how to cope, and here the acceptance of drinking as normal takes place.

They constantly try to help a sick or addicted person.

2. Middle: Here there is habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms, when the coping mechanisms don’t work the co-dependent does more, takes on more responsibility.

They adopt their behaviour to accommodate the heavy drinking. The focus is on the drinking.

3. Control: Here there is total family collapse and family degeneration. There is continual self-defeating behaviour.

The whole process is circular and rotate within the family from person to person.

What we want to do in treatment is help each other to get out of this circular motion.

We need to look at stress and how we react to it.

Stress is a non-specific demand on the body by positive and negative forces.

It is not bad by itself and it cannot be avoided, but we can understand the cycle of stress. Initially, an event takes place and we go down and don’t cope so we have a dip or a valley. Then when we over cope and later come back down to some sort of normal state, we never reach the same base line again.

Something we need to remember is that stress is like the wind, you do not see it, but you see its effects as it passes by.

Dynamics of Co-Dependents

1. Out of touch with their own experience: They have been in a mood altering experience, and this leads to neglect of their needs.

We normally say things such as “I used to do that at one time”, etc.

2. Their feelings are discounted: They do not know how they have the right to feel. They show anger a great deal which protects them from exhibiting other feelings.

3. A great deal of emotional pain.

4. Learned not to ask for help: They have overwhelming feelings of being on their own and you should never ask for help because then you really are on your own.

5. Not able to meet needs: Not only are they not able to get their needs met, they can’t even identify their needs.

6. They mistake feelings: They mistake feelings such as control for security, intensity for intimacy and obsession for fear.

7. They have extreme high tolerance for inappropriate behaviour.

8. Co-dependents feel terrible with their feelings of anger that they need to suppress all the time.

9. They do recognize what has happened to their own health. They believe the alcoholic has the problem.

10. Co-dependents adjust constantly but never make any real changes.

11. Co-dependents are compulsive about pretending: They do not tell the truth, they react constantly to the alcoholic and other people and always put up the front that everything is OK.

12. They get very defensive about trying to control their feelings.

13. Co-dependencies are infectious: Others that are vulnerable will get pulled in easily.

14. They come to know that the reason things are bad is because of them: Co-Dependent Characteristics

a. My good feelings about which I am stem from being liked by you.

b. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval by you.

c. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

d. My mental attention is focused on pleasing and protecting you.

e. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you (to do it my way)

f. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.

g. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

h. Our clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

i. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

j. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

k. I am not aware of what I want. I ask what you want. I am not aware – I assume.

l. The dreams I have for the future are linked to you.

m. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.

n. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.

o. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.

p. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

q. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.

r. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Part of the recovery process is when we can see and acknowledge our behaviour.

Be patient, live and let God, and, above all, be good to yourself.

Here are some daily affirmations that will assist in getting in touch with you.

Just for Today I will respect my own and other’s boundaries.

Just for Today I will be vulnerable with someone I trust.

Just for Today I will take one compliment and hold it in my heart for more than just a fleeting moment. I will let it nurture me.

Just for Today I will act in a way that I would admire in someone else.

I am a precious person

I am a worthwhile person

I am beautiful inside and outside

I love myself unconditionally

I have ample leisure time without feeling guilty

I am loved because I deserve love

I forgive myself for hurting myself and others

I forgive myself for letting others hurt me

I forgive myself for accepting sex when I wanted love

I am willing to accept love

I am not alone, I am one with God and the universe

Take an inventory of your behaviour.

Think about how you treat yourself and how you treat others. If you are self-harming – self-abusive then you can’t be anything but abusive with others.

Neil Benbow

(c)neilbenbow2026