The end of a relationship is like a death,

how you feel about it, how you respond and how you move on in your life after it, all depend upon how you as a person have prepared yourself for it or knew it to be coming.

A sudden death to a relationship like a sudden death of a person can be devastating to those around them.

This isn’t to say that a relationship that has been terminal for years won’t create a shock, more that if unprepared for and thought through then its effect can be very difficult.

The difference between death and the end of a relationship is that both parties have to come to terms with an ending, and then live with possibility that though their connection as a couple may be over, they may still have connections; children, friends, family etc.

There are connections here with my earlier section on understanding bereavement, though here I’m suggesting eight stages or ideas to create understanding of the end of a relationship.

As before with other human processes, I don’t think we go from 1to 8 in a straight line. Any and all of these eight stages or ideas can be occurring simultaneously, its no wonder that at times you will feel tired if you are learning to live with the end of a relationship.

They are;

1. Denial

2.  Anger/Confusion

3.  We can work it out

4.  It’s over: Now to Grieve

5.  What Went Wrong

6.  I’m not the same person

7.  No going back

• Peace

1) DENIAL

Is when we fail to recognise or even avoid identifying the difficult issues within our relationship, even if others are painfully aware of them.

This denial frustrates those trying to help and only when a person enters stage two can they begin seeing that there may be problems.

Denial is powerful and needs careful handling, there are times when we cannot handle the possibility of problems and pushing harder can sometimes create a deeper denial of problems.

There are those who can be divorced, their ex-partner remarried and they are still expecting them back through the door.

On old maps where the world was unknown they wrote ‘Here be Dragons’ take note: Here be Dragons.

2) ANGER/CONFUSION

Feelings of anger and confusion occur in all stages; however, here the intense feelings of being irritated, angry and annoyed at our partners begin. 

What once was endearing becomes boring, tiresome and difficult to listen to, watch or be around.

This is confusing to us if we don’t recognise it is us that has changed and not our partners.

Instead of recognising that we have begun to want something different, we can blame them for not giving us what we want or need. Understandably this causes confusion.

Despite the anger, confusion and frustration, partners may still not believe their relationship has ended, typically and unfortunately, this confusion creates angry feelings that can exacerbate the situation.

Instead of being calm and maybe working out issues, anger and confusion only amplify any difficulties.

3) WE CAN WORK IT OUT

Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t, acknowledging that the relationship at risk, one or both partners try to repair it.  

If both partners are together in this, then the relationship may survive.

Should only one want to work at this, then the chances for repair are limited; if one partner is in denial and other is in anger and confusion, then one is blaming the other and they think there is no problem…this does not hold much hope of survival.  

Bargaining happens here, when a partner who doesn’t want the relationship to end, may try to bargain; I’ll change if you stay, I’ll do this, I’ll do that etc.

Unfortunately bargaining by one partner only doesn’t repair relationships and only delays or prevents any forward progress.

However, there are couples who are working things out when they celebrate their golden weddings an we can take heart from this.

4) IT’S OVER, TIME TO GRIEVE

Here when the relationship is recognised as truly over, anger, fear, sadness and loss are expressed, just as for any other bereavement. 

Grieving is a natural process and it is only by working through grief and acknowledging our loss do any healing processes begin.

It is natural too to want to withdraw for a while from those who want to be supportive, to be there for us and to be involved in helping.

If you need time alone, say so and let them know that you will at some point call upon them for that support, but that now you need time to think, grieve and work some things out for yourself. 

Only you will know how you grieve and only you will know how much time you will need to take.

5) WHAT WENT WRONG?

The analytical phase, here the relationship is examined and where fault and blame can get allotted if we are not careful.

It may just be that the relationship ended not because of ‘badness’ but simply that two people couldn’t agree on what they wanted anymore.

Feelings of regret occur too, because as well as saying goodbye to the relationship we no longer can live with, we are also saying goodbye to the partner we once loved and the good relationship we once had.

There will also be some gains recognised, the freedom to behave in ways that suit you, to be self indulgent without having to think of a partners needs.

This is a good time to begin to think afresh of our own needs; what did I learn about myself in relationships?

What do I need to learn so I don’t do again?

This phase when worked through gives us permission to let go of any guilt for not being able to fix the relationship, we may recognise it was just unworkable.

6) I’M NOT THE SAME PERSON

When relationships finish, life changes; our in laws, friendships, residence, neighbourhood, daily routines, goals and outlook can all change.

Others may view us differently, we are no longer in a couple and they may not yet know how to be with us.

This happens too with bereavement; others can become fearful of how to talk with us and so may begin to avoid us, in case we talk about our loss. (again!)

This time of self-examination though scary and unsettling is vital because it gives understanding and time to appreciate ourselves and the changes we’ve been through or are going through.

It’s a stereotype that women change their hairstyle at the end of a relationship and that men change their job, maybe this happens, maybe it doesn’t.

7) NO GOING BACK

Here begins the acceptance of why the relationship ended and why it needed to end. This builds from the earlier phases and the careful thinking through of what, how, when and why the relationship ended.

It may be too that after a period of time away from the fraught atmosphere of the ending relationship that we can begin to see our ex-partner as they are rather than how once we may have idealised them.

Also after working through our own feelings we can recognise what are own needs truly are.

8) PEACE

Peace is when we move into full acceptance that the relationship is in the past and we no longer have difficult feelings towards our ex-partner, this doesn’t mean all feelings are gone but that now we feel at peace with the memories and history we had with them.

This may seem to be unattainable when this process begins, however, with love, careful thought and support, this will and does occur.

Neil Benbow

©neilbenbow2026