PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY CLUSTER

Passive aggression is learned and it can be unlearned.

Often, it’s developed in childhood as a way to cope with being overcontrolled by parents.

Later this overcontrol may be projected onto authority figures, teachers, bosses, and spouses.

Passive aggression is sometimes modelled within families.

What are the signatures of passive aggressive behaviour and the folks who’ve learned to operate in this indirectly aggressive way? Persons who act in passive aggressive ways tend to:

*Have difficulty saying no to persons viewed as authorities, bosses, teachers & spouses.

In seeming to outwardly comply with requests, the passive aggressive person will procrastinate, leave tasks undone, obstruct, do an insular job, do what was not requested, misplace, or “forget” to perform the requested tasks. When asked about their problem with delivering, the passive aggressive individual is likely to make excuses, blame, or become sullen while claiming only good intentions.

*Often feels put upon, controlled, pressured, and victimised.

*Frequently is involved in fibbing, omitting information, or lying to avoid direct confrontation.

*Prone to “cheating” and being found out in long-term relationships and marriages.

*Often has challenges paying bills in a timely manner and may have a poor credit history.

*Likely has a history of poor interpersonal relationships where friends and partners are frustrated by indirectness and passive aggressive behaviours.

*Will make dates and stand people up.

*May be in denial about passive aggressive behaviours, claiming only good intentions.

*Are frequently in trouble in work situations for excessive tardiness and incomplete tasks.

*Have high rates of somatic complaints and headaches.

*May have abuse alcohol and substances.

*In relationships may complain about partners to third parties instead of discussing issues directly with their partners.

*Chronically “forgets” to do important tasks whether for self or others.

*Claim to “do too much” for others.

*Sensitive about being requested to do things.

*Often lagging in education and careers.

*Fearful of being disliked.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY CLUSTER

*People take advantage of my giving nature.
*I do “too much” for others.
*People are angry with me for no good reason.
*Some people want to use me and care nothing about me.
*I forget sometimes, doesn’t everyone?
*I hate being told what to do or being pressured.
*I’ll lose respect if I give in.
*I’ll do this in my own time. I’m in no hurry–screw them.
*I hate deadlines. They can wait.
*Being angry isn’t me–I won’t give in.
*I’m not a conformist–I refuse to be another brick in the wall.
*I know I promised, but things came up.
*People try real hard to control and dominate me. Not.
*I’m nothing if I let others take advantage of me.
*It’s easier to fib than to get in a possible argument. They always win anyway.
*Others put too many demands on me.
*They have no right to be upset with me–I really tried.
*Bosses, lovers, teachers are always trying to get over, get the most out of me. They can wait.
Approaches to handling passive aggressive behaviour:

One common way of expressing suppressed anger has been given a special name: passive-aggressiveness.

It is releasing your anger by being passive or subtly oppositions. For example, such a person may be “tired,” unresponsive, act like he/she “doesn’t understand,” be late frequently, exaggerate others’ faults, pretend to agree (“sure, whatever”), be tearful, be argumentative, be forgetful, deny anger (“nothing’s wrong”), procrastinate, and frequently be clumsy or sick (Hankins, 1993). Many of these traits and behaviours are listed above.

There is another related form of concealed anger: feeling like a victim.

Feeling victimised assumes that someone or some situation has mistreated you. But a person who specialises in constantly feeling like a victim may not identify or accuse his/her abuser.

Instead, he/she generally feels that the world is against him/her, that others vaguely intend to make him/her miserable. Victims usually feel helpless; therefore, they take little responsibility for what has happened to them.

They think they were terribly mistreated in the past but they now seem unable to accept love and support, e.g. if you offer them help, they never get enough or if you try to cheer them up, it seldom works.

A victim is much more likely to sulk, pout, look unhappy, or lay a guilt trip on something than to get angry. They play games: “Why does it always happen to me?” or “Yes, but” (no one’s ideas or suggestions will do any good). The self-pitying, pessimistic, sad, jealous victim is surely sitting on a mass of hostility.

Both the passive-aggressive and the victim are likely to be aware of their anger, even though it is largely denied.

Aggression comes out in indirect ways

Sometimes agrees to do things for others and then doesn’t follow through

Often feels pressure to perform, and has expectation and fear of failure, procrastination

Also passive-aggressively defeats his own inner critic, so can’t discipline self

Sometimes acts out annoying behaviour while not consciously knowing its impact on others.

Group, Organisational, Community, Work Behaviour

In case of people under the power of others, the passive-aggressive behaviour can be planned consciously, e.g. employees stealing, being absent

Motivation

Fails in a way that indirectly expresses anger and defeats others in order to preserve autonomy in the only way he feels he can, because aggression is not allowed.

Core Issues

Harm issues, punishment for aggression, shame

Modelled after passive-aggressive parent

Opposite reaction to violent parent

Statement

I can’t do it.

Underlying Thought

I will fail in order to preserve my autonomy

Distortions of Perception

Sees self as co-operative

Sees people who are controlling as assertive

Sees people who are judgmental as perceptive

Dimensions Involved

Power, value

Healthy Capacities Blocked

Assertive, co-operative, self-valuing, responsible

Activating Conditions

Situations where the person’s performance will be judged (or he thinks so)

Authority figures, powerful people

Demographics

Common with teenagers

Common in people who are under others’ power

Distinctions

The victim pattern also involves failure and sometimes indirect anger, but the victim is trying to coerce others into caring for her, while the passive-aggressive is trying to indirectly achieve autonomy. The victim blames others while the passive-aggressive blames herself.

The defiant pattern also involves a reaction to perceived domination, but the rebellion is direct.

The compliant pattern also tries to please others, but there is little unconscious resentment or it doesn’t get acted out.

The insecure pattern can feel pressured to perform and with the expectation of failure, but there is no unconscious need to fail to defeat others and not a lot of unconscious anger at others.

Related Patterns

The passive-aggressive pattern usually includes the insecure pattern.

Controlling is the opposite of passive-aggressive

Assertive is the healthy goal for a passive-aggressive person.

A passive-aggressive person may need to become defiant for a while in the process of growth.

Dynamics with Other Patterns and Capacities

Passive-aggressive people are often attracted to controlling people in a destructive way, and vice versa.

Passive-aggressive people often get into serious conflicts with controlling people.

A passive-aggressive person often makes others very frustrated while feeling bad about himself for doing this. He will often not give his partner what she wants.

How to Relate to Passive-aggressive People

Circumventing be co-operative. Don’t be judgmental, angry, controlling

Disconfirming: Be completely accepting of who they are

Protection: Don’t expect or want anything from them

Using Their Strength: Put them in situations where they need to follow orders or please others

Healing response to a passive-aggressive person being assertive: Be co-operative. Make sure they have a positive experience in asserting themselves

How to Experiment with Healthy Behaviour and Attitude

Work on becoming aware of your underlying anger and resentment at being controlled

Work on becoming aware of your desire to defeat others or get back at them or annoy them

Work on becoming aware of your need to fail to accomplish the above two things

Work on allowing yourself to be just who you are, on feeling that you are OK as you are, that you’re sense of worth doesn’t depend on other people’s opinions

Work on expressing your anger and standing up for yourself

[and everything listed under the compliant pattern]

Healing

Choose people who don’t pressure you to be a certain way or to perform, who accept you as you are

Choose people who appreciate your being yourself, who don’t need to dominate or have their way, who can handle confrontation and anger

Protect yourself from being controlled or harmed or judged

Don’t take on people who are very powerful or judgmental until you are strong enough

Choose people who will support you in becoming assertive

PSYCHOTHERAPY

Related Technical Concepts

Masochistic character in bioenergetics

Passive-aggressive personality disorder

Anal character

Possible Symptoms

Depression

Transference

Often feels pressured by the therapist to perform.

Wants to please consciously but can’t succeed.

Sometimes looks for the therapist to tell her what to do and them sabotage it.

It is very dangerous to give passive-aggressive clients any homework or advice. They usually forget about it or otherwise fail to do it successfully.

Often fail to progress in therapy to defeat their therapist and preserve autonomy.

Countertransference toward Passive-aggressive Client

Frustration and anger at inability to help and being defeated.

Feeling incompetent because can’t help client. “I guess I should refer him to a therapist who can help him.” Being too invested in client’s making progress as measure of your worth as a therapist.

Countertransference of Passive-aggressive Therapist

Feeling performance pressure, especially as group leader or in public settings

TREATMENT

Understanding Needed

Awareness of need to defeat others by failing

Awareness of hidden anger

Access (core issue)

How she was dominated, judged, and punished for aggression

Access (healthy capacity)

Aggression, anger

Experimenting

Saying no directly, expressing anger at perceived control

Doing what person wants rather than trying to please others

Healing Reponses

Acceptance of person exactly as she is.

Support for her aggression

Respect for her disagreeing with and challenging others

Inner Healing

Client allowing herself to improve in the therapy and acknowledge this

Other Interventions

Being purposely provocative to get to client’s unconscious anger. (Dangerous)

Prescribing the symptom: Tell client to defeat you. Therapeutic double bind.

Avoid suggestions and questions. Use empathy and interpretation.

Allow client to remain in impasse

Potential Problems

Failing to progress in therapy to defeat you

Help bring this to awareness. Bring out client’s anger at you. Let go of your investment in the client making progress. Just be with client.

Other group members become angry and frustrated with client.

Help them to see passive-aggressive pattern. Get them to stop trying to help in active ways.

Fear OF DEPENDENCY

Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs usually by trying to control you.

FEAR OF INTIMACY

Guarded & often mistrustful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He’s often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will “trap” or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.

FEAR OF COMPETITION

Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he’ll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.

OBSTRUCTIONISM

Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won’t say when, and he’ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won’t comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.

FOSTERING CHAOS

The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.

FEELING VICTIMIZED

The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reproach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.

MAKING EXCUSES & LYING

The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love – to have power over you – the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.

PROCRASTINATION

The p/a man has an odd sense of time – he believes that deadlines don’t exist for him.

CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS

One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship.

His selective forgetting: used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.

AMBIGUITY

He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.

SULKING

Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.

Who’s in Control Here?

What the passive-aggressive person is often avoiding is conflict, expressing thoughts and feelings that are negative or socially unacceptable. “Forgetting,” couching his anger in kind words or jokes, agreeing with you and then telling others you’re wrong, being habitually late – these are just a few of the ways a passive-aggressive person manages to express his hostility while still maintaining his “good guy” image.

Using passive-aggression is a way to control situations and people without seeming to be in control. “Passive-aggressive behaviour is a tremendous way to manipulate people,” says Hall.

The passive-aggressive person usually lacks the self-confidence to ask for, do, or say what he really wants. He’s so uncomfortable with self-assertion that he tries to get his way by doing nothing. After, of course, telling you whatever you want to hear. By allowing others to take charge, he leaves himself only one option for getting what he wants: sabotage.

It makes you the bad guy. Passive-aggressive hostility is so subtle; the skilled practitioner is often in a good position to deny it’s even there – blaming you for the inevitable confrontation that results. You blow up; he remains calm. Suddenly you seem like the aggressor. Maybe even to yourself. The incredible final straw, Dr. Wetzler says, is when you apologise to him. Because your inner voice is telling you that he’s not being open with you, you experience conflict and stress.

It pushes your buttons. The passive-aggressive person has an almost uncanny ability to know your vulnerable spots. He’s an ace at shifting the blame from himself to you, knowing you’re likely to take it on. If you point out what he’s done wrong, he won’t own up to it. “If he agrees with anything, it will be how you’re to blame, how you never appreciate him, how hard he works, what sacrifices he makes. It’s always about you, not him,” Dr. Wetzler says.

It wrecks your relationship. As you can imagine, passive-aggression will eventually cripple any relationship, and especially an intimate one.

In fact, says Dr. Sapadin, passive-aggressive behaviour is one of the leading causes of marital conflict.

Since problems never really come out into the open, they never get resolved.

True intimacy may not even be possible since passive-aggressive often deny their feelings.

React the Right Way Spotting the warning signals of passive-aggression is a real challenge, but it can be done. Once you’re able to recognise these behaviours, you can respond in ways that will not only protect you but help the other person as well.

Nix the guilt. Don’t think you’re to blame for the passive-aggressive behaviour; a passive-aggressive person acts the same way with everyone. “As you ride the emotional roller coaster, it’s important to remember that it’s his problem, “ says Dr. Wetzler.

Don’t get sucked into the game.

Remember: A passive-aggressive doesn’t know how to respond appropriately to his anger – or to yours. When he does something covertly hostile, don’t act accusatory or dredge up old hurts. That kind of conflict will trigger the passive-aggressive cycle you’re trying to break: He’ll deny everything and claim you’ve misunderstood him. It’s okay to express your anger – in fact, it’s important. But stick to the matter at hand and tell him how his actions make you feel.

Confront Him with his dishonesty.

No one enjoys a conflict, but to silently accept a person’s passive-aggression will only reinforce his behaviour while raising your stress level. “You need to confront him immediately and tell him you’re very confused by his behaviour,” says Hall. “Tell him that he’s being dishonest and trying to control you, and if his relationship with you is important to him, he has to stop behaving this way.”

Don’t let him off the hook.

If you let a passive-aggressive get away with it, he won’t change. And that won’t help either of you. Instead, try to create an atmosphere in which he’ll feel comfortable sharing his negative feelings with you.

Tell him, “I know you’re angry. Please tell me about it.” Over time, he’ll become more aware of his feelings and better able to express himself.

HOW PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ARE YOU? Because passive-aggression is so insidious, it can be hard to identify. If you think someone you know may be passive-aggressive, take this quiz. (And don’t hesitate to apply it to yourself.) How frequently does the person in question

…make excuses to avoid routine social or work obligations?	never sometimes  often
…fail to keep promises, resulting in problems for you or others?	never sometimes  often
…complain of being misunderstood or unappreciated?	never sometimes  often
…complain about and exaggerate his own misfortune?	never sometimes  often
…have a pessimistic outlook even when things are going well?	never sometimes  often
…make attempts at humour that are laced with hurtful gives and sarcasm toward you?	never sometimes  often
…blame his failures on the behaviour of other people?	never sometimes  often
…agree with you, then go off and side with others against you?	never sometimes  often
…perform a task so slowly and inefficiently that it’s tempting to stop asking him to do it?	never sometimes  often

R E S U L T S: Give 0 points for each never, 1 for sometimes, 2 for often

• 0 Oh come on, nobody’s that perfect!
• 1-4 Few passive-aggressive tendencies here.
• 5-8 Some passive-aggressive habits. Is it having a bad impact on you?
• 9-12 A strong passive-aggressive streak here.
• 13-16 Extreme passive-aggressive tendencies. If we’re talking about a partner or loved one — or you — consider getting counselling

Neil Benbow

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