Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticising everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, “when none of these three techniques work, that’s when someone—or something—is going to get hurt.”

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can’t get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Are You Too Angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why Are Some People More Angry than others are?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specialises in anger management, some people really are more “hot-headed” than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride, and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Is It Good to “Let it all hang out?”

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.

It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

                                    Strategies To Keep Anger at Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your “gut.”
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax,” “take it easy.” Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualise a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
• Non strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you’re in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,” tell yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”

Be careful of words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. “This !&*%@ machine never works,” or “you’re always forgetting things” are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is “not out to get you,” you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, and willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, “I would like” something is healthier than saying, “I demand” or “I must have” something. When you’re unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you’re in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your “significant other” wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don’t retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticised, but don’t fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger—or a partner’s—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humour

“Silly humour” can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you’re at work and you think of a co-worker as a “dirtbag” or a “single-cell life form,” for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague’s desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humour can always be relied on to help un knot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is “things ought of go my way!” Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realise that maybe you are being unreasonable; you’ll also realise how unimportant the things you’re angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humour. First, don’t try to just “laugh off” your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that’s just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it’s our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the “trap” you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes “nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire.” After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing up on yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you’re tired, or distracted, or maybe it’s just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don’t turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child’s chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don’t make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don’t say, “well, my child should clean up the room so I won’t have to be angry!” That’s not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that’s less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counselling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counselling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behaviour.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t only a course of action designed to “put you in touch with your feelings and express them”—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counselling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

What About Assertiveness Training?

It’s true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don’t feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn’t something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember that you can’t eliminate anger—and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.

Signs of Anger:

Direct behavioural signs:

1. Assault: physical and verbal cruelty, rage, slapping, shoving, kicking, hitting, threaten with a knife or gun, etc.
2. Aggression: overly critical, fault finding, name-calling, accusing someone of having immoral or despicable traits or motives, nagging, whining, sarcasm, prejudice, flashes of temper.
3. Hurtful: malicious gossip, stealing, trouble-making.
4. Rebellious: anti-social behaviour, open defiance, and refusal to talk.

Direct verbal or cognitive signs:

1. Open hatred and insults: “I hate your guts;” “I’m really mad;” “You’re so damn stupid.”
2. Contempt and disgust: “You’re a selfish SOB;” “You are a spineless wimp, you’ll never amount to anything.”
3. Critical: “If you really cared about me, you’d…;”
   “You can’t trust _______.”
4. Suspicious: “You haven’t been fair;” “You cheated!”
5. Blaming: “They have been trying to cause me trouble.”
6. I don’t get the respect I deserve: “They just don’t respect the owner (or boss or teacher or doctor) any more.”
7. Revengeful: “I wish I could really hurt him.”
8. Name calling: “Guys are jerks;” “Women are bitches;” “Politicians are self-serving liars.”
9. Less intense but clear: “Well, I’m a little annoyed;” “I’m fed up with…” “I’ve had it!” “You’re a pain.” “I don’t want to be around you.”

Thinly veiled behavioural signs:

1. Distrustful, sceptical.
2. Argumentative, irritable, indirectly challenging.
3. Resentful, jealous, envious.
4. Disruptive, uncooperative, or distracting actions.
5. Unforgiving or unsympathetic attitude.
6. Sulky, sullen, pouting.
7. Passively resistant, interferes with progress.
8. Given to sarcasm, cynical humour, and teasing.
9. Judgmental has a superior or holier-than-thou attitude.

Thinly veiled verbal signs:

1. “No, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, annoyed, disgusted, put out, or irritated.”
2. “You don’t know what you are talking about;” “Don’t make me laugh.”
3. “Don’t push me, I’ll do it when I get good and ready.”
4. “Well, they aren’t my kind of people.”
5. “Would you buy a used car from him?”
6. “You could improve on…”
7. “Unlike Social Work, my major admits only the best students.”

Indirect behavioural signs:

1. Withdrawal: quiet remoteness, silence, and little communication especially about feelings.
2. Psychosomatic disorders: tiredness, anxiety, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Actually, college students with high Hostility scores had, 20 years later, become more overweight with higher cholesterol and hypertension, had drunk more coffee and alcohol, had smoked more cigarettes, and generally had poorer health (Friedman, 1991). See chapter 5 for a discussion of psychogenic disorders.
3. Depression and guilt.
4. Serious mental illness: paranoid schizophrenia.
5. Accident-proneness and self-defeating or addictive behaviour, such as drinking, over-eating, or drugs.
6. Vigorous, distracting activity (exercising or cleaning).
7. Excessively submissive, deferring behaviour.
8. Crying.

Indirect verbal signs:

1. “I just don’t want to talk.”
2. “I’m disappointed in our relationship.”
3. “I feel bad all the time.”
4. “If you had just lost some weight.”
5. “I’m really swamped with work, can’t we do something about it?”
6. “Why does this always happen to me?”
7. “No, I’m not angry about anything–I just cry all the time.”

How angry are you?

There are so many frustrations in our daily lives; one could easily become chronically irritated. Perhaps more important than the variety of things that anger us, is (1) the intensity of our anger and (2) the degree of control we have over our anger. That is, how close are we to losing control? About two-thirds of the students in my classes feel the need to gain more control over their anger.

How much of a temper do you have? Ask yourself these kinds of questions:

• Do you have a quick or a hot temper? Do you suppress or hide your anger (passive-aggressive or victim)?
• Do you get irritated when someone gets in your way? fails to give you credit for your work? criticises your looks or opinions or work? gives themselves advantages over you?
• Do you get angry with yourself when you make a foolish mistake? Do poorly in front of others? Put off important things? Do something against your morals or better judgement?
• Do you drink alcohol or use drugs? Do you get angry or mellow when you are high? Research clearly shows that alcohol and drugs are linked with aggression. Drinking decreases our judgement and increases our impulsiveness, so watch out.

You probably have a pretty accurate picture of your temper. But check your opinion against the opinion of you held by relatives and friends. There also are several tests that measure anger, e.g. Spielberger (1988).

A case of jealous anger

Tony and Jane had gone together a long time, long enough to wear off the thrill and take each other for granted. The place where this was most apparent was at dances and parties. Tony was very outgoing. He liked to “circulate” and meet people, so he would leave Jane with a couple of her friends and he would go visit all his old buddies. This bothered Jane; she would have liked to go along. But what really bothered Jane was Tony’s eye for beautiful women. As he moved around greeting his friends, he looked for the best-looking, relatively unattached woman there. Tony was nice looking, a good dancer, and not at all shy. He’d introduce himself, find out about the woman, tell some funny stories about what he had done, and, if it were a dance, ask her to dance. Eventually, he would excuse himself and come back over to Jane and her friends. He just enjoyed meeting new people and dancing or parties.

Jane resented this routine. She had told Tony how she felt many times. He told her that she was being ridiculous. Jane felt much more anger, hurt, jealousy, and distrust inside than she let show. She was usually quiet and “cool” for a little while but pretty soon she would dance with Tony and it seemed like she got over it. Yet, even the next day she would think about what had happened and cry. About lunch time she would wonder what Tony was doing. A little fantasy would flash through her mind about Tony calling up the woman he danced with and asking her out to lunch. That would hurt her too.

Understanding Anger

The nature of the organism?

Freud came to believe in a death or aggressive instinct because he saw so much violence, sadism, war, and suicide. Konrad Lorenz (1966) believed that species, both animal and human, survived by having an aggressive instinct that protected their territory and young, and insured only the strongest individuals survived. The sociobiologists, noting the frequency we go to war, also suggest that we have inherited an aggressive nature, a tendency to lash out at anything that gets in our way, a need to dominate and control.

Research has shown that stimulation of certain parts of animals’ brains leads to aggression. Stimulation of other parts stops aggression. We don’t know how this works. In 1966, Charles Whitman killed his wife and mother because “I do not consider this world worth living in.”, then climbed a tower on the University of Texas campus and fired his rifle at 38 people. He killed 14 before being killed. An autopsy revealed a large tumour in the limbic system of his brain (where the aggression “centres” are in animal brains). In epileptic patients with implanted electrodes, in rare cases violence follows stimulation of certain parts. Abnormal EEG’s have been found among repeat offenders and aggressive people. So, aggression may sometimes have a physical basis. Brain damage can be caused in many ways (Derlega and Janda, 1981).

Aggression may also have a chemical, hormonal, or genetic basis too. A large survey of adopted children has found that living with an adoptive parent who committed crimes is less risky than merely having the genes from a person who committed crimes (Mednick, Gabrielli & Hutchings, 1984). The power of human genes is discussed in chapter 4, but, obviously, within animals certain breeds of dogs, like Pit Bulls, are more vicious than others. More aggressive breeds can be developed, e.g. rats or fighting bulls. Maybe we should develop kinder, gentler, smarter humans.

Other physiological factors seem to be involved. Examples: high testosterone (male sex hormone) is associated with more unfaithfulness, more sex, more divorce, more competitiveness, and anti-social behaviour. It is also known that a viral infection called rabies, causes violent behaviour. About 90% of women report being irritable before menstruation. Furthermore, 50% of all crimes by women in prison occurred during their menstrual period or pre-menstrual period. By chance only 29% of crimes would have occurred during those eight days. Hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) increases during the pre-menstrual period and it causes irritability. About 3 times in a 1000 a male inherits an extra X or Y chromosome, so they are XYY or XXY, instead of XY. At one time it was thought that XYY and XXY males committed more violent crimes. Now it appears that this isn’t true but these males are arrested earlier and more often. So we can’t forget our inheritance. There is so much we do not know yet.

In all of these possibilities–instinct, heredity, hormones, or brain dysfunction–the aggression occurs without apparent provocation from the environment (although there is almost always a “target”). According to some of these theories, the need or urge to be aggressive is boiling within each of us and seeks opportunities to express it. There is also clear evidence that alcohol consumption and hotter temperatures release aggression, but no one thinks there are something in alcohol or heat that generates meanness. The socialisation process, i.e. becoming a mature person, involves taming these destructive, savage, self-serving urges that probably helped us humans survive one million years ago but threatens our survival today.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood and overused of human emotions.

1. Anger is a reaction to an inner emotion and not a planned action.
2. Anger is easier to show: everyone gets angry.
3. The feelings underlying the anger reaction make us feel vulnerable and weak; anger makes us feel, at least momentarily, strong and in control.
4. Angry behaviours are learned over the life span and therefore can be unlearned and replaced with healthier patterns of coping.
5. Anger can be an immediate reaction to an isolated event or it can be a response after numerous events.
6. To repress anger is unhealthy and yet to express it impulsively, as we so often do, may give momentary relief but inevitably will carry negative consequences. To alter our angry responses, we need to understand from where it comes.

There are a variety of factors that increase the probability of an anger reaction.

1. If we have seen our parents get angry first and resolve an issue after, we are more likely to use the same approach. Thus, types of anger are learned.
2. If we are frustrated and feel stressed, we are more likely to react with anger.
3. If we are tired, we are more prone to react in an angry fashion.
4. If we tend to hold our feelings inside rather than talk them out, we are more likely to have an angry outburst as the pressure increase much like a pressure

cooker.

Anger CheckList — How Is Your Anger?

People tell you that you need to calm down.
You feel tense much of the time.
At work, you find yourself not saying what is on your mind.
When you are upset, you try to block the world out by watching TV, reading a book or magazine, or going to sleep.
You are drinking or smoking marijuana almost daily to help you calm down.
You have trouble going to sleep.
You feel misunderstood or not listened to much of the time.
People ask you not to yell or curse so much.
Your loved ones keep saying that you are hurting them.
Friends do not seek you out as much.

Scoring:

• 0 – 2 = MANAGEABLE: you could benefit from relaxation training.
• 3 – 5 = MODERATE: you need to learn more about what stresses you, and learn stress management techniques.
• 6 + = OUT OF CONTROL: you have an anger problem that could benefit from learning anger management techniques.

Conclusion Anger reactions have been likened to a train running out of control and about to derail. A little anger can motivate us to take action in positive ways. A lot of anger will make us “red with rage.” The price for anger that is out of control will drive away those whom we love the most and endanger our daily normal existence

Anger Busters
Here are some other things you can do when you start to feel angry:

• talk to a friend you can trust
• count to 10
• get or give a hug
• stamp your feet
• beat up a pillow because the pillow can’t get hurt
• draw a picture of your anger
• play a video game
• run around the outside of the house five times as fast as you can
• sing along with the stereo
• pull weeds in the garden
• think happy thoughts about things like your favourite dessert or a fun vacation
• take a long bike ride or go in-line skating

Never getting angry is impossible. Instead, remember that it’s how you act on your anger that can make a situation better or worse. Take charge and don’t let anger control you. That way everyone wins.

Effect on our health

If managed inappropriately anger is likely to negatively affect our physical and mental health. Listed below are examples of disorders that may develop if anger is suppressed without an outlet.

• Headaches
• Gastrointestinal disorders
• Respiratory disorders
• Skin disorders
• Genito-urinary disorders
• Arthritis
• Disabilities of the nervous system
• Circulatory disorders
• Aggravation of existing physical symptoms
• Emotional disturbances
• Suicide

How can we manage anger?

Below are a list of interventions mentioned earlier by Dr. Madow, that help us to manage anger from cognitive, emotional, communication, affective, and behavioural dimensions.

Cognitive

• Identifying Provocation – provides you with data to help you confront or avoid a provocation.
• Alternative Explanations – By considering an alternative explanation of a provoking event, chances are more likely that you will place it in the appropriate perspective and thereby respond more properly. – By considering an alternative explanation of a provoking event, chances are more likely that you will place it in the appropriate perspective and thereby respond more properly.
• Combating Anger Distortions -use anger to warn you that it is time to re-examine your thinking. -Use anger to warn you that it is time to re-examine your thinking.
• Anger Management Instructions – When your anger is just, you can cognitively deal with your anger by using your self-statements as self-instructions (“Don’t let this get to you,” or “Take a deep breath.”) – When your anger is just, you can cognitively deal with your anger by using your self-statements as self-instructions (“Don’t let this get to you,” or “Take a deep breath.”)
• Clarifying Expectations – anticipating what events you will encounter.
• Mental Rehearsal -creating and patterning yourself after the positive images you envision.

Emotional

• Body Biofeedback – By discovering the way your body feels when anger is approaching, you can use that feeling as a cue for altering your physiological response or altering your thoughts and behaviour so that your anger does not get out of hand.
• Generating Alternative Arousal – Using anger as a cue to generate an alternative form of physical arousal that is antagonistic to anger or arousal (i.e., relaxation & humour).
• Channelling Arousal – Using the arousal you acquire from being angry as a powerful source of energy that helps you handle a provocative productively.

Communication

• Assertiveness – teaches you to stand up for your legitimate rights and express your needs in an appropriate way.
• Listening – allows you to open up communication channels.
• Negotiation – process by which two people work the conflict out by coming to a mutually satisfying agreement.
• Criticism – ability to give and receive constructive criticism.
• Confrontation – the ability to take responsibility for perceiving a situation or a person’s behaviour as unacceptable. Once identified, specifically describe the unacceptable behaviour or situation. Stating clearly the tangible effects of the event.
• Praise – decreases the chances of the other person becoming defensive.

Feelings

• Feeling awareness – prior to expressing feelings in a productive way, it is necessary to acknowledge that they exist.
• Expressing feelings – ability to express feelings in positive way.
• Making positive affect work for you – keep yourself in a positive mood, induce positive affect in others, find everyday uppers (no drugs), offer help whenever you can, and be kind.

Behaviour

• Learning our anger actions – identify the behaviours we do when we are angry through modelling, operant learning, de-escalating anger (time-out), and creative time-out.
• Generating productive angry behaviour – prevent anger from escalating and rid yourself of anger actions.
• Changing your behaviour: making new actions easier – replacing negative responses to anger with new more positive behaviours.
• Learn the ABC’s of anger – this method helps your to establish what caused your to be angry (Anger trigger), what you did about it (Behaviour), and what happened because of what you did (Consequence).