Not all Bullies are Passive aggressive and you may not feel passive aggression as bullying. However, I’m including passive aggression here as passive aggressives will directly affect your happiness, your life and your wish toward self development.

Passive-aggressive is being aggressive in a passive way.

We instinctively express anger by responding aggressively as a response to threats, creating powerful feelings which allow us to fight and defend ourselves when attacked or to run away; the fight or flight response. Such anger is necessary to our survival.  However, when anger is suppressed and released only by being passive or subversive we call this passive-aggressive.

Passive aggression is a learned response and may have developed in childhood as a way to deal with controlling parents. People who act in passive aggressive ways tend to have difficulty saying no to authority figures like bosses, teachers and loved ones and often get into serious conflict with controlling people because they view them as bad or wrong and themselves as victims of those with control or authority.

They do this by seeming to comply but by being passive aggressive, they procrastinate, forget tasks or leave them undone, be quietly obstructive, don’t do as asked, misplace work or be unavailable when needed. When questioned about this, they may make excuses, blame others and become sullen while claiming to be doing their best. These we all do at some time , however, here we are talking of continuing patterns of behaviour.

The first time we encounter a passive-aggressive person we do not understand why they frustrate us so much, generally because they deal with their anger and frustration by eliciting these feelings in us and portray themselves as victim of our irrational behaviour.

Typical passive-aggressive characteristics are:

• Passive listening: hearing only what they want to hear
• Slow-motion: when asked to go somewhere or do something
• Purposefully forgetting
• Accidental destruction; loss of papers, notes, mail
• Not being in the office, at their desk or at home when supposed to be
• Inappropriate behaviour
• Put-downs to or about others
• Complaining
• Work finished only under supervision or if ‘nagged’

When confronted by these behaviours you will need to find a way to keep calm and protect yourself from being manipulated when they begin to display their hidden anger. 

Let them know what is and is not acceptable and how you will help.  If you get angry and confront them, they have then succeeded in getting you to be aggressive and they can begin to exhibit more passive-aggressive behaviours. Until you lay down the law which reinforces their belief that they are your victim and you are unfairly taking your anger out on them.

Frustration is the trigger for passive-aggressive behaviour, whether with others or themselves and they may express this by swearing, destroying work completed so far, making noises and maybe by going missing physically and emotionally. 

They want their feelings to go away but don’t know how to get positive attention, so instead hook your attention the only way they know how, by pissing you off…

You get pissed off, they get justified in their anger and the game goes on…

You are left feeling a failure, defeated and confused and with your negative feelings toward them reinforced.

So the next time they don’t do what you want, the game gets going quicker and before long your relationship has soured. You leave them, whatever you tried to do together fails and you have a bitter taste in your mouth.

If you do end up feeling helpless, powerless, confused and angry, this means your ways of working with them haven’t worked and you need to change them. If instead you feel calm and they are composed, you may have learned an effective way of dealing with them.

First, learn to not allow yourself to be manipulated emotionally, once they have emotionally drawn you in, it is difficult to remain composed. Try to remember that it is not a personal attack and if you remain calm you can try to help or work through these difficulties with them. This is stopping the game at the frustration stage where both the passive-aggressive and you are likely to be aware of anger, even though this is denied. Instead they may suggest that they are your victim. They may think they were mistreated in the past and now seem unable to accept love and support, for if you offer help, it is never enough or works. (Do see my piece on the Persecutor Victim Rescuer Triangle.)

Passive aggressive victims display these types of behaviour; feeling put upon, controlled, pressured, and victimised. Lying to avoid confrontation, cheating and being found out in long-term relationships and marriage. Not paying bills on time, a history of poor relationships where friends and partners are frustrated by their behaviour. Making dates and standing people up, being late, being sensitive about being asked to do things.  Feeling that authority figures like bosses, partners and parents are always trying to get one over on them and so they behave as; they can wait.

How to get a Win-Win with Passive-aggressive People

Don’t be judgmental, angry or controlling, be completely accepting of who they are. Ensure that if you want them to do something that they have control of the situation, the work and resource,; that what they are being asked to do is something they want or need to do.

Passive-aggressives don’t know how to respond appropriately to anger, when they do something covertly hostile, express your anger and say how you feel about their actions.

Confront dishonesty, silently accepting passive-aggressive behaviour reinforces such behaviour. So confront immediately and say you’re very confused by the behaviour, that you are getting conflicting messages.

Don’t let them off the hook. If you let them get away with their behaviour, they won’t change.

And that doesn’t help either of you.

Neil Benbow

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