Chapter 8 part two

Listening to Understand

Or

What can get in the way of understanding? 

If we want to listen to and understand others, especially in emotionally charged situations, we have to break from preconceived ideas to overcome our reactions. 

Consider your own assumptions; 

What assumptions am I making ... 

About this project ... 

About my role in it ... 

About what others expect of me ... 

About their understanding of what I'm doing ... 

About their perception of my role? 

Consider what assumptions they might be making ... 

About this issue, 

About their role in it, 

About my understanding of what they're doing ... 

About my perception of their role?

Empathetic Listening
is about the person being allowed to talk about their issues when they want to and having all their feelings accepted. For most of us, it is difficult to help people in pain, because being around people in pain may cause us pain, when they hurt, we hurt. Understandably it’s more fun to be with people who make us feel good. Having the patience to listen and accept what we hear is also difficult, because what we really want is to make them feel better so we don’t feel difficult emotions too. Part of this is that we fear being ambushed or given too much information and then feeling overwhelmed.

The difficult bit: is not to make others hurry through their emotions or pain but to convey that you care and are willing to hear them. Accepting reality and sharing honest open communication means more to people than acting like nothing happened. That can prolong suffering rather than ease it.

Appropriate Support.

ASK:

Would they like to talk with you for a while, then arrange a time when the two of you can be alone, or go somewhere private.

Learn to be comfortable with silences and with crying.

If the silence appears to be going nowhere try something like, “I know this is hard for you to talk about it” or “I understand it isn’t easy to talk about this. I’m here with you.”

Listen as hard as you can whilst remembering it isn’t you, whatever the situation reminds you of in your own life, let that go for now, there will be time later for you to think of that. Right now you are there for them, not you. Don’t allow another persons devastation, hurt, anger or whatever cloud your judgement, if that happens both of you lose. 

In everyday conversations we tend to judge others according to our own values and behaviours and expect that everyone else is doing it all the time too. This is normal. However when we bring our own values into helping situations where we need to listen, it isn’t helpful and can create the following four problems;

1. Self interested listening,
2. Emotional reactions and defensiveness.
3. Advice giving  
4. Supportiveness.

These values are not problems themselves as they may be part of your role as a listener, however if you are unaware that you do them without thinking of their consequences then they can become a problem to you.

Problem one; Self-interested listening. 

This can be selective listening, literal listening, filling in the gaps or projecting our own experiences onto others. Selective listening is ‘hearing what he wants to hear and disregards the rest’ (from The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel)

Literal listening is only hearing the words and disregarding meaning, taking a reluctant ‘Yes’ even if the persons body language is really saying No.

Filling in the gaps or projecting onto others is about putting into another’s spaces our own experiences and values rather than regarding their world as equally valid. By doing this we miss hearing what they are trying to say.

Problem two; Emotional reactions and defensiveness.

These are the main reason conversations turn into arguments; we feel defensive when we think of the other person as hostile, even if they are not. Our emotional reactions then make things even more difficult. 

When we feel defensive our natural reaction is either fight or flight, we tend to attack the other (fight), monopolise the conversation or avoid communicating at all (flight). Such negative reactions don’t help our understanding of each other, if this happens ask them to explore their defensiveness, their hostility and explore your own defensive reactions with them too. Defenses stop being defenses only when we stop defending ‘em…



Problem three; Advice giving 

Is ineffective if well intentioned, in that we pre-empt others from finding solutions that fit them. We lose their self-expression and an understanding of their point-of-view. Our advice is what we might do, rather than what we do of course do. (!) Real helping is creating space for the other person to work through what they want to do and building the confidence for them to make their changes if and when they feel them necessary. You may need to offer advice later on where to go for help with some issues but if you can stop doing this in the first instance you are working towards them becoming self-informed and pro-active in their situation.

Problem four: Supportiveness 

Is well intentioned, if ineffective. The time for reassurance is not while attempting to listen, but afterwards, when we are sure we have heard and when the other person is ready to receive. Supportiveness before you have heard the whole story sets you up to being the problem holder, or solver rather than the friend there to listen.  

To recap;

Overcoming these barriers to understanding can be simple: simply suspend your own reactions and ask what the other person thinks. Simplicity though, like all Art, takes time. 

When you encounter any difficult emotional situations;

Take a deep breath, breathing reminds you of you and gives space to think. Also, strong emotions can cause shorter breaths, these give either too much oxygen or not enough, both cause physical effects that stop rational thought and get in the way of you dealing helpfully with situations. Then ask a question with as much empathy as you can. Ask empathetic questions in a manner that will not only help you understand the speaker but also help the speaker to understand themselves better. Use questions only to help overcome misperceptions and misunderstandings. 

Ask questions only to help them state their view in their terms. 

Use open-ended sentences: ‘what do you think of what was said?’ 

Show  your care with empathetic questions: ‘How do you feel about that?’

Check your inferences: ‘Does this make you feel angry?’ 

Probe: ‘What effect might this have on the project? What other reactions have you considered?’ 

Show appreciation and patience by waiting for responses and giving thinking time. In conversation, especially emotionally charged ones, true understanding between people is difficult. We can however learn the skills that facilitate understanding.  Remember to hold onto your own emotions and slow down the reaction of well-intentioned advice and support. 

Nonverbal Responses

Nonverbal communication carries the real message, the emotional and 

unconscious meaning or intent within conversations. You may be unaware of the message your body position, eyes, facial expression and tone of voice are conveying to the other person. Meanwhile they are reading and reacting to you and your real message on the unconscious level. If your verbal and conscious messages are in conflict, the nonverbal message takes priority.  

Begin your understanding of others by becoming aware of your own:

Body position and orientation

Facial expression

Arm and leg positioning

Eye contact

Voice tone

Practice some of the following to help in your understanding of your own ways of being. 

Sustained eye contact can be intimidating and too intimate for some. Maintaining eye contact can convey interest and caring. Try not to put your focus on the centre of their forehead, the nose, or slightly off from the person's eyes. That behaviour is more difficult than looking away from the person. Practice until you can be comfortable maintaining eye contact throughout the entire conversation. Generally, it is possible to tell how people feel toward you by the amount of eye contact they make, notice how you give or withhold your own eye contact with friends and colleagues, and then build on your self-knowledge to increase your skills.

Lean in towards people, slightly leaning forward is helpful in making the person feel you are interested in them. Too much of a lean invades their personal space and can be seen as using your body to intimidate, manipulate or introducing intimacy, this is counterproductive. 

Open relaxed positions indicate that you're receptive, willing to listen, ready to give and receive trust. Crossing your legs, clenching fingers, fidgeting or other nervous mannerisms such as jiggling objects, stroking hair, fiddling with jewellery or coins in a pocket, all of these distracting gestures suggest inattention or being distracted.

Tone of voice carries information about feelings more so than the words you use. When working on increasing your empathetic responses, pay attention to how your voice sounds and soften your tone. Slow down the pace of your speech and pause briefly before responding.

Pitfalls;

These are behaviours or attitudes to avoid if you wish to increase your empathetic responses. Become aware of whether you do any of the following:

Interrupting the speaker

Finishing their thoughts or sentences

Asking questions instead of making statements

Turning the topic to you, your personal story or concerns

Becoming defensive, angry or emotionally intense

Telling the person what they should or ought to do or think

Challenging their feelings.

Interrupting the speaker can be disconcerting, causing them to lose their focus and may cause belief that you are not interested in them or what they want to say. Interruptions can be considered rude and may cause them to be less forthcoming. Try to use interuptions only when the speaker goes into ‘storytelling’ rather than staying with their thoughts or feelings.

Finishing the speaker's thoughts or sentences is similar to interrupting. It differs in that you are using your words, projections and thoughts in not giving the speaker time to complete what they want to say. Asking questions can be counterproductive although many people think they're trying to show interest when asking questions. Instead asking questions can have the opposite effect, as they may feel attacked, assaulted, or even interrogated when a series of questions are asked. 

The disadvantage to asking questions is that questions can cloud or get in the way, when making a statement can be clearer. Try making a statement instead of  asking a question and notice how effective this can be in restricting your questioning. If this makes you uncomfortable try; Q, Q, S or qestion, question, statement. This indicates your understanding of what the person is saying.

Another trap is becoming defensive, this reduces your capacity to listen to what the person is saying, feeling and meaning. By becoming focussed on protecting and defending yourself, the other person's communication becomes distorted or unheard, because your emotions became more important. This is why it's so important that you learn to understand what you are feeling and accurately understand your own intensity for you to become aware when your defences and emotions are such that the speaker's message gets lost. 

Giving advice or telling the speaker what they should or ought to do is also ineffective, even when they ask for advice. You are not the same as them and will not fully understand their needs, desires, and circumstances. While it is tempting to attempt fix the problem, more constructive ways exist than offering advice to accomplish that. You may have information that is helpful and welcome, but telling someone what they should or ought to do isn’t it. It can be confusing when your thoughts are disguised by using shoulds and oughts. 

When challenging another person’s feelings, you are indirectly saying that their feelings are wrong or inappropriate. Do remember that there is no template for being rational and if there were, feelings would not fit.

Though for you it is possible that the person is overreacting or reacting to old ‘parental messages’ rather than your objective reality (ho hum) and that is what is contributing to their feelings. Importantly, these are their feelings, they are entitled to them and you are not helping any communication between you by challenging them. A challenge is much more likely to create feelings of defence, counterattack, or withdrawal from the relationship.

Clarifying your Communication Goals

A useful way forward to clarifying your communication is to ask yourself the following questions.

• What is your personal sense of purpose?
• How do you appreciate different styles?
• Do you understand different personality traits?
• Do you project a positive Image?  
• What people “hear” from you
• Do you understand the basics of good body language?
• Do you have personal confidence, your own or that of others?
• Are you good at listening and questioning? 
• Do you understand the Do’s and Don’ts of effective listening?
• Do you have good questioning techniques?
• Do you have an understanding of others and of maintaining their self-worth?
• Do you have an understanding of dealing with difficult people: bullies and tyrants, workaholics, know-it-alls, complainers, negative attitudes, “Yes” people, “maybe” people, the talkers and the tantrum throwers?

Ask yourself these questions then maybe work with a colleague, or a partner and check your responses with their understanding of you.

Do’s and Don’ts of Body Language

Some 55% to 70% of communication is via body language. If facing a contradiction between someone’s words and their body language, intuition tells us to go with the non-verbal message. We say of people they give mixed messages or there is something odd about them, this can be due to their verbal messages not reflecting their posture or actions.

Three basic messages body language may communicate.
1. I’m with you
2. I’m not with you
3. I’m dead against you
 

I’m With You
The person is comfortable with your current line of questioning or presentation. You should continue.

What to watch for:

• Their eyes watching you intently, or if looking up to the left, imagining what it might be like to take on your ideas.
• Relaxed posture and muscles.
• If seated, body leaning slightly towards you.
• Arms and legs uncrossed.
• Palms of hands may be open, receptive to you.
• Moderate to high energy level evident in voice speed, pitch and volume being normal or perhaps revealing excitement or curiosity.
• An informal, conversational language style.

I’m Not With You
Resistance, confused or objecting. Time to stop talking and asking questions instead. Look for:

• Their body leaning back away from you.
• Crossed arms or hands in a stop, please slow down gestures.
• Muscles may tense up.
• Shifting position, draw a sharp breath, cough or clear the throat.
• Abrupt change in posture, eye contact or facial expression.
• Language changes to formal, less conversational.
• Voice speed, pitch and volume more controlled.
• Eyes break off contact with yours, become fixed on an object in the room. May look out of the window or glance towards the door.
• Frowning, grimaces or even turning up of the nose indicating unhappiness with something said or done.
• Fidgeting, with pen, drumming fingers on desk.

I’m Dead Against You
They may be annoyed with you, be offended or have an objection or complaint. They do not want to continue or wish to end the meeting. Stop whatever you are doing immediately and instead ask a question.

Watch for:

• Leaning away from you, or turning their shoulders towards you.
• Eyes may stare into yours, the challenge… Or they may avoid eye contact, looking down, or looking past you.
• Muscles taught and ready to get out of their chair. You may notice tightening or twitching of the facial muscles and clenching jaws, be aware that you too might be mirroring their behaviour-change your own posture immediately if you are.
• Low, listless energy level. If annoyed, the energy level will be higher.
• Language style becoming formal, with short measured sentences.
• Voice pitched higher, with hints of annoyance, criticism, sarcasm or cynicism, these can suggest defensiveness.
• Watch their breathing, this may become shallower, if you can suggest you both take deep breaths and do. Shallow breathing is a signifier of flight or fight and is a natural phenomenon, catch it quick enough and you can turn a worsening situation around.

Try not to jump to conclusions concerning body language as all of us have different responses. Do be on the look out for patterns. If you are unsure, ask the person to put their body language into words or ask the question, are you OK? I ask as I notice that  (…..) and was wondering if this was upsetting you etc…
Your attentive reading of body language will improve your understanding of others needs and of course, your own.

Self-consciousness is the enemy of self-confidence, learn how to keep your attention away from your anxious feelings, look at the room you’re in, the sky, the wallpaper, anything, as long as you keep attention away from yourself you can stop the anxiety building. If you are in a group get talking, make contact, find out if you like the others there, find out who they are, maybe make them feel comfortable, again you are taking your attention away from you.

LISTENING (Source unknown)

Listen, all I ask is that you listen, not talk or do, just hear me.

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem you are failing me, strange as that may seem.  I can do things for myself. I’m not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me, that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy. When you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and we can go about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. So please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you.

Neil Benbow

(c)neilbenbow