Dynamic Listening

Is a way of connecting with people, this is about helping you to be a dynamic or active listener or encourager and to be a better facilitator to help yourself and friends with issues. For, if you are asking and guiding them into clarity, you are encouraging yourself to do the same. If you really want something, letting go of the want is the first step to letting it come to you.

For example, only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want “yes” or “no” answers…

Avoiding this involves using open questions requiring higher-order thinking skills such as reasoning, predicting, interpreting and arguing a point of view.

Soliciting information and reactions helps others feel that their input is important to you and encourages their involvement with you.  The following are some simple guidelines to minimise the risks associated with asking questions:

Ask questions in a friendly, sincere manner that encourages confidence, thought, expression and understanding. Remember, no answer is ‘wrong’, suggesting so encourages silence. Avoid directing specific questions as doing this increases anxiety.

Phrase your questions if you have to ask them clearly and succinctly. Use familiar language as formal or legal language can increase anxiety and place you as ‘other’ than them. Give others time to consider questions and try not to expect an immediate response, do however try to avoid long pauses, which may cause stress and feelings of isolation.

Listening and responding to people

Do think before you speak and respond to questions.

Be sure you understand what is meant and if you don’t, ask for clarification as this indicates carefulness on your part, but don’t overdo it or it can have a detrimental effect.

When you speak, be open, straightforward and avoid rambling by being specific. Being vague or ambiguous in your responses or statements doesn’t help, saying less sometimes says more.

If you don’t know how to respond to an issue, say so. Say that you need to think or find information to come back with a response and then make sure you do that, however make sure you have enough information to work with to gain that information.  Project your positive interpersonal image by finding ways to increase your communications success. (more on this below) You can establish a flexible basis for dealing with difficult people by finding out about yourself first, what makes you and this will help when dealing with others.

Useful questions:

What do you think?
What do you know?
Is there another way to think about the problem?
What are your thoughts? or, what are you thinking?
What do you think will happen next?

What do you think could happen next?
What do you understand about these issues?
What do you need to know to find out more?
Have you tried resolving the issue by?
Have you ever seen a problem like this before?

Less useful questions:

What did you do first?
What is the answer?
What should be done?
Do you see this affecting others?
What happens next?
Do you think you need to do?

Types of Questions	Examples	Attributes
Open	How would you describe the situation?	Good discussion starter Encourages response and stating of opinions Though can lead to rambling and loss of momentum
Closed	Do you agree that this is a case of?	Encourages yes or no response Good for clarification or emphasis May be helpful when question and answer time is limited
Neutral	What are your views on the role of?	Gives people maximum choices of response Can provide indirect assessment of comprehension Shows no attempt to influence or lead
Directed	Do you believe that you should?	Restricts choices Gives indication of questioner’s views
Redirected	Can you respond to this from your own experience?	Effective way of handling confrontational questions
Clarifying	So you are suggesting that X would be the best way to deal with this? Can you expand on that a bit?	Reinforces useful points raised in a question May discourage statements that can’t be supported.

Types of Questions.

Directive questions help you learn more about the problem or situation under discussion;

“Can you give me a specific example of what you mean?”

“What sorts of things have you already tried to resolve this situation?”

“Can you tell me about the relationship with X before this?”

Directive questions are open-ended, being tell me more about type questions that prompt additional information. Put these probing questions in a way that will help you assess the situation from a variety of perspectives, such as the history of the problem, difficulties with the existing process, the results of other attempts to solve the problem and any criteria for success.

Clarifying questions offer a way to double-check your understanding of what people have told you:

“Do I understand correctly, that what you’re saying is X?”

“When you say there are communication problems, can you tell me what you mean?”

“Has this happened before?”

These questions show that you’re really listening and provide an opportunity for clarification if you’ve misunderstood something. They also prompt for more information even if you haven’t misunderstood.

Process questions help you ensure the person you are with is comfortable with the way you’re conducting the conversation. Just a few such questions may suffice.

“Do you have any concerns about what we’ve discussed so far?”

“Would you like some time to think it over?”

Process questions tell people that it’s OK to have opinions about the conversation and for them to express those opinions. These questions help to put them at ease. People at ease are more likely to expound at length than if they feel they’re undergoing interrogation. (!)

It is a good reminder too that they are in charge of their process. A process owned by them is more likely to produce results.

Empathetic questions and statements build rapport by focusing attention on the other person. They are a simple and very effective way to show your caring during conversations:

“Is this a really frustrating situation for you?”

“It sounds like you’re juggling priorities.”

“ I can see this upsets you”

Empathy makes human connections.  If you make the connection people will respond and generally give more information that you might not otherwise know.

Meta questions are questions about the questioning process. They are a useful way to help people remember important information they might otherwise forget to mention until too late:

“What question will you wish I had asked you?”

“If we get started with the information I now have, what will we later wish we’d talked about?”

Posing such questions near the end of an important conversation often jogs the memory and reveals critical information that you didn’t know to ask about and the person hadn’t thought to tell you.  When you incorporate these types of questions into information gathering sessions, you will be pleased with the amount and quality of information generated. 

When dealing with issues and using the above questions;

DO

Speaking with friends, try to let them know that you too are learning, this truth helps people identify with you. Your use of personal pronouns is important in achieving this balance. We and I are appropriate in these conversations, with strangers You and They may be more useful at first.

Be sensitive to newer friends, keep in mind the terms and examples you use, be understandable and relevant to new people in the way you communicate your points. They might not know that you are learning new skills

Anticipate points that need to be made. If you do lose your train of thought backtrack a little, encourage them to clarify, this stops you being the one that carries the problem.

Use good illustrations, especially for abstract points, use articles, self stories etc. to illustrate your thinking. If you use technical terms be sure to define them immediately.

Be yourself, use your own sense of humour, if its appropriate, to put others at ease. Show you have good, clear thought development by sharing your thinking processes.

DONT 

Bore people or be overcomplicated: be specific enough so they can see clearly what it means to put ideas into practice.

Have too many ideas; a few points well developed and applied are far better than many points.

Over use hand gestures.

Say; ‘An example of this is X.’  Just give your example.

Feel compelled to understand everything about an issue; trust others to help.

Force or suppress emotion or expression. Instead, encourage and enable it by asking open-ended questions, and giving empathetic responses without false or premature reassurance. Reassurance offered too soon can be a conversation stopper no matter how well intended.

Be in a hurry.

Interrupt silence unless you can improve on it.

Apologise for inexperience or lack of knowledge on a subject, this erodes you. If you don’t know something find out or help them to find it out. Use this to involve them rather than holding on to the issue for them. That way they learn to help themselves.

Some general pointers;

Don’t suggest to others that they don’t speak to anyone about their issue, their issue may affect others and somebody else may hold the answers you don’t. It is their choice if they wish to talk with others not yours.

Do suggest that they keep a daily journal, more information and examples of their issue may arise with this.

Do ask them to document everything, this starts a paper trail and avoids loss of information. (The oops I forgot about X or Y). This begins their historical perspective. If they keep a journal, get them to write everything that occurs about their issue. Anything that it is said by anybody regarding the issue put it in writing or a note to help jog their memory later.

Suggest they arm themselves with knowledge and find out from others how they deal with this issue to gain power.

 Neil Benbow

(c)neilbenbow