not saying forget, only forgive

I want to invite you to your past, to take a journey and change whatever happened there, maybe begin to change that situation into one you can live with now. This isn’t insanity, its an invitation to sanity; living with the pain from your past, living with the thoughts that your future will be like your past is the real insanity.

 This won’t change the past that was but what it can begin to do is to heal it and develop you into being able to see your future clear and unclouded by the difficult bits that have shaped you and possibly keep you unhappy.

 To do this you may need to change everything, the day, month, time of year, the people, everything and anything. Keep changing all of these until the situation or those who hurt, abused, stifled and crushed you becomes a past that you can live with. If you needed to say No, but couldn’t, do it now. Go back and hold your hand of the you that was then, take back the skills you have now and change your reactions, actions, words and your thoughts. Learn from those times what you have to, learn that you survived and you are not that person now. Then let go.

 I’m not saying forget, only forgive. Cry when you have to, hurt if you need to, cuddle yourself if you didn’t get cuddled, love yourself, share these painful times with others if you can. These will help others understand you.

 And learn to let go.

 To carry the weight of these hurts, pains and wounds means that our abusers win because the joy they got from our pain lingers. Learn to forgive them too, for they need release need more than us: we know better. They didn’t or don’t.

 I grew up without a mum, she and my dad divorced when I was two. I never knew her though I have sad memories of fights, smashed glass and shouting. She contacted me when I was in my teens and we talked for a while then she abandoned me again, she couldn’t hold me, love me or accept me as the troubled kid that I was. I’ve learned to forgive her and I’m still learning to forgive myself for not being how she wanted me to be. Last year in a workshop I talked of this and the work I’ve done on recognising how I grew up and to let her go and the work I’ve done on going back to help me to understand. One man there told me of how he recognised my loss because his mum had always been there for him. I love that, the strong care and honouring that men can give in sharing each other. He understood me as I understood him and this helps in my forgiving. I can only hope this helps you too.

The future isn’t what it used to be either…if we can learn from the past to shape the future, then changing the past creates a brighter future. Easy isn’t it?

Er, no.

This will take your time, your commitment to you and effort. Maybe you may have to rethink, revisit that past several times until you have learned the lessons needed, remember too, there’s no rush. You are worth being patient with. You are worth the effort to learn. You are building the encyclopaedia of you, which may be several large volumes.

This is Possibility thinking: turning problems into opportunities, blocks into stepping-stones and your setbacks into possibilities for success.

Enjoy.

(c)neil benbow