To recognise your ideal partner you must know yourself first.

A union between people who have resolved themselves and most of their issues creates

balanced, strong and positive partnerships, where partners feel safe due to the honesty and support they have because intimidation, manipulation or abuse do not exist within it, this is done by their working together to create a boundaried, healthy, passionate and harmonious life.

Such partners accept who you are, want to bring out the best in you, challenge you and be your best friend. They will not require you to change. However, you will still have difficult times even when married to your ideal Lover, as Life will always throw up challenges…

To achieve this you will need to give up your need to fix your partner when you see that they are hurting or in need. If you get caught in the need to fix things or them, your boundaries will weaken in the trying to fix them to the exclusion of taking care of yourself.

It’s a hard lesson that you cannot control how your relationships should be and can only accept how they actually are. Giving up the fantasy of an idealised partner may not be easy but I promise you, when you do it, it’ll be a lot easier than attempting to turn your less than ideal partner into an idealised one!  This about the boundaries between you, accepting that if change is difficult in yourself it will be difficult for the person you are with and you accepted them for whom they are when you met them.

Bringing order your life means recognising that you cannot have healthy relationships unless you establish and maintain your boundaries by learning to let go of or be consumed in relationships that are about the need to be needed. Such relationships are not healthy because they are ‘I’m OK because I help you, you’re not OK because you need help’

I’m not saying here that we can’t help one another, but if your relationship develops this way of being, it will consume your relationship. Leading to anger, hate and resentment because one partner is doing all the helping work and is not a marriage of equals…and that’s what you want, right?  A relationship, with somebody who can be as fiercely loving, gentle and caring as you.

If you can deal with intimacy by ways of maintaining boundaries, you will gain health, happiness and increased energy. After all you’ll no longer be banging your head against a wall and that’s got to bring happiness, health and more energy…

And I know you can do this, because if you are by any way a thinking adult you’ve recognised that the magic powers you had as a child have gone and you are powerless to control other people, places, things, situations and time.

Below are some ways I’ve found effective in maintaining healthy boundaries

Creating quality time

Try scheduling a weekend away for the two of you and don’t change this for anything; if you don’t have much money; you don’t have to go anywhere, camp out in your garden, a different bedroom.

1. Eat together at least once a week.
2. Let your children know that you need time alone together.  Close your bedroom door.
3. Walk together.
4. Do the dishes together.
5. When you are together, turn off the radio.
6. Spend 20 minutes a day to talk.
7. Arrange for an evening alone together once a month. 
8. When you travel together, spend the time talking to each other, don’t read or take work with you.

Making decisions;

Gather all facts and information, gain input from friends, family and experts, try not to focus on one option by first looking at all options, talking about the pros and cons of each.

Make sure any decision made is one you can both live with and that both of you have responsibility for. Remember that you can always revisit the decision later to re-evaluate it. If spirituality is part of your life, pray for guidance as you make your decision. 

How to fight fair:

Conflict is not a problem. All long term relationships are about resolving conflict, you can learn to fight fair by recognising that loving somebody doesn’t mean that at times they won’t piss you off, because they will. Knowing this and knowing that you can vent your feelings without damaging the relationship and better still can strengthen it.

Don’t let things build up until you explode into a big fight about everything and nothing. Know what your issue is and then stick to it. Hold hands while fighting and remember that you love this person, you might be angry with them or feeling hurt by them right now but you still have a history and future together. If your partner doesn’t want to discuss your issue, set a time within 24 hours to have your fight.

If you are so angry about your issue that you can’t talk about it with them within 48 hours, let it go. Write it down if you can’t express it. This is putting marriage first, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the situation, only that right now you might not be able to handle your issue in the best way.

Your fights are your business and only between you two, bringing in others ends that intimacy, your fight is for your relationship and for its continuing.

Bringing up past history, intimate or sexual secrets, name-calling, blaming and shaming is hitting below the belt, this will lose you a fair fight and gain you a row. Rows are harder to forgive. Develop your sense of fairness to know what can be said by each other.

Use I instead of You: “I felt hurt when you did X because that means Y to me” listen fully while you fight, looking at each other, watching body language and don’t interrupt. You will get time to respond but wishing to give your side will get in the way of hearing what is really being said.

At the end be willing to ask for forgiveness and to ask to be forgiven, being unforgiving causes emotional and physical harm to your marriage

Better sex

Try to set the mood in advance, (start foreplay in the morning) being miserable or ignoring your partner during the day will get in the way of creating a positive experience that night…. However, occasional abstinence can be helpful if it creates desire.

Talk about your expectations concerning making love, sharing your sexual desires helps create a healthy and active sex life, as unmet expectations will get in the way. Sexual intimacy is a continuing process, deepening to become a richer experience, no matter how many times you’ve made love together the joy can still be made to be there. If you want to have good sex, let your spouse know you care and are thinking about them before sex, during (!) and afterwards.

These will help you set boundaries as they bring order and ways of being to your partnership. They will help you recognise over and over that you are two distinct individuals who have come together to create a bigger thing than both of you and like all good things in life its worth spending time, thinking and energy on.

(c)neilbenbow