(originally by Virginia Satir)

As you become used to the temperature reading, you’ll evolve your own style and routine for making it a ritual in your life. You’ll also find that the best way to do the DTR is in person when you can focus your full attention on each other. Ideally, sit face to face, knee to knee, making eye contact and hand contact, and avoiding all distractions.

If you can’t do the DTR in person, do it by phone or online. But do it!

Let’s explore each step of the DTR.

Appreciations. We are all vulnerable. We need to be recognized and to know what’s good about us, and nobody is better equipped to tell us this than the person or people closest to us. Whatever you feel good about, let your partner know. We hear so much about what’s wrong with us — the world tells us, and we tell ourselves all the time; we’re usually our own worst critics. When you see something specific in your partner you appreciate, express it — with words, or with a gesture, but express it.

Hearing appreciation regularly is an important element in our self-esteem. Self esteem shouldn’t come only from outside ourselves, but we do need to feel appreciated, loved and accepted by our partners. It’s also important to know what we are appreciated for. And we have to learn to listen to our partner’s appreciation, accept it and internalize it. Too many people have a conditioned response of pooh-poohing compliments away (“Oh, this old thing?” or “It was nothing.”). You can also use this first section of the DTR to appreciate yourself and share with others some of the things for which you want to be acknowledged. What are some specific appreciations you would like to share with your partner or someone else who is significant in your life? What are some things for which you’d like to be appreciated?

New Information. So much of what goes wrong is because we are not given the information we need to understand what’s going on, so there is too much room left for assumptions. Intimacy thrives only when both partners know what is going on in each other’s lives. It may be related to work (“I finally got that new contract.”), family (“The dentist says Mandy’s teeth are perfect.”), gossip (“Helen’s divorce was finalized yesterday.”), fears (“I’m worried about the mole on your neck.”), interest (“There’s a great article in the Sunday paper that I think you’d enjoy.”) — anything and everything, trivial and important, that helps keep your partner and significant others up-to-date on your state, mood and, generally, what’s going on in your life. What are some things going on in your life that you’d like to share with a significant other?

Puzzles. Misunderstanding and assumptions are devastating to relationships. If there are things you don’t understand that your partner or a significant other could clarify, ask for clarification. “Are you saying that the dentist visit is your regular check-up? Or is this going to lead to some kind of treatment that we should budget for?” “Why did you seem so edgy this morning?” Avoid assumptions and mind-reading. Remember, the word assume breaks down into ass-u-me. You won’t always get an answer to your puzzles, but it’s still important to let your partner know what you’re wondering about and provide an opportunity for them to clarify things or give you other helpful information. What’s something you’re wondering about regarding your mate or a significant other? How will you ask the question to let the person know that you’re puzzled?

Complaint with Request for Change. There will always be some differences in your relationships with others, although that doesn’t mean you’ll always have complaints. The key to a passionate, lasting partnership with your mate or a successful team effort at work is not avoiding or hiding differences and disagreements, it’s about dealing with them. Complaints should not be blaming, accusatory or judgmental. And they should never come without a request for what you want to be different. In this segment of the DTR, you have an important opportunity to confide in a significant other about something that is bothering you along with your specific, unambiguous request for what you want instead. Complaining without making a specific request for change is not allowed. That can too often become persistent nagging, belittling or trying to control another person, which is not a gift to any relationship. The next time you have a complaint, try sharing it as part of the DTR in this format: “When you _______________, I feel _______________, and what I’d like instead is _____________.” Instead of thinking of a complaint in a negative way, consider the complaint with request for change to be about providing information. Romance may thrive on mystery, but intimacy doesn’t. What is a complaint with request for change you’d like to share with your mate or another significant person in your life? How could communicating about this with your partner strengthen your relationship?

Wishes, Hopes, Dreams. If your expectations are different from mine, it doesn’t make one of us right and the other wrong. It just means we are different and in being different we sometimes have different expectations. The more we can bring our expectations into awareness and talk about them, the more possibility there is that we will reach accord. And the more we share our dreams with those who are significant in our lives, the closer we’ll become and the more likely it is our hopes may one day become reality. If we have rules that say we shouldn’t let ourselves know what we’re thinking, feeling or wanting, much less let others know, then it’s almost impossible to work out a comfortable, close relationship. Our hopes and dreams are integral, vital parts of who and what we are. If we don’t share them with our partner (as information, not demands or complaints), we are depriving them of an important part of ourselves. What wishes, hopes or dreams do you have for today? this weekend? next vacation? this lifetime? Which are you ready to share with your partner or a significant other? What about wishes, hopes or dreams for what you’re tackling at work or in the community?

©neilbenbow