Basic Strategies for Behaving More Assertively

Relationships are the essentials of life and society. Our relationships, loves, hates, commitments and duties make us what and who we are. These human bonds are so much a part of our daily existence, whether on a personal or political level that they hold the keys for the quality of our lives, thoughts and mental health.

In the course of relationships, all of us have the experience of facing conflict. In our daily interactions with parents, friends, strangers and relatives, we are faced with the dilemma of either expressing our feelings honestly and directly and possibly risk of hurting others. Possibly too, losing their affection and kind thoughts, to creating uncomfortable undercurrents of hostility and resentment in relationships.

When we face conflict we ask ourselves:

• Is it all right to express anger, when personal rights are violated or should I simply keep quiet?
• How do I express deep anger or hurt within a relationship?
• Do I protest when cheated or manipulated, or overlook it?
• How do I handle rudeness?
• How do I handle nagging at home?
• Or putdowns there, or outside?
• What number of irritants can I live with in my relationships without feeling hassled?

When faced with confrontation is it often difficult to think about the appropriate response to adopt, this is usually as a consequence of shock or surprise and may be part of emotional or biochemical reactions of which we have no control; the Fight or Flight response. We want to run away or possibly stay and counter confrontation with our own anger.

It is possible to learn different, more positive behaviours and with practice these can be utilised at will to be used in difficult situations. An example of this is Assertiveness.

Before finding techniques to use in asserting yourself it’s worth thinking first about how you feel about yourself in the world of relationships, what are your basic rights as a person?

1. Do you have a right to say no?
2. Do you have a right to say I don’t know?
3. Do you have the right to say I don’t care?
4. Is it ok to put your own feelings, thoughts and needs first?
5. Are you allowed to make mistakes?
6. Are you allowed to change your mind? Or do you always have to stick with a plan, a relationship, etc.
7. Do your feelings matter; in your childhood were you taught that your feelings were wrong?
8. If your feelings tell you something: do you pay attention to them?
9. Are you allowed to have your own opinions?
10. Do you have to agree with others, all authority figures?
11. Do you have a right to be alone sometimes?
12. Is it ok to interrupt others sometimes?
13. Is it ok to ask for change?
14. Is it ok to ask for help or support?
15. Do you have to do everything alone?
16. Are you bothering people if you ask for help?
17. Is it ok to let others know that you are in pain?
18. Do you have to take the advice of others?
19. Is it ok to want some recognition for your achievements and good work, or is it showing off?
20. Do you have to justify your decisions to others?
21. Do you have the right to make decisions that seem illogical to others?
22. Are you responsible for other people’s problems?
23. Do you feel you have a read minds?
24. Do you have to be able to know what other people want?
25. Do you always have to respond to other people’s questions?
26. If someone asks you a question, do you have to answer it?

Being assertive means making yourself and your opinions known. It means taking risks, taking the risk that you are worth something to yourself as well as others and that your opinions matter. That may be difficult to remember within difficult situations that you want to resolve but if you practice it often enough, you will make it true. Remember: your Yes isn’t worth anything unless sometimes you say No.

An assertive statement states your opinion on something, your feelings about it and your needs or desires or wants related to it.  Do this without putting blame on someone else or making the other person feel like they have to comply or are not regarded.

Your statement is about you and what you think and want. Not about winning in all situations, it’s more about making you, your opinions, your thoughts and feelings known.

State what you think and what you want. Then the other person can make informed choices: they too can say yes or no to your request, but at least they know that you are making one! There’s no confusion about what you are asking from them or wanting for you. Be direct. Be assertive. Identify clearly your personal rights, wants and needs.

Identify how you feel about a particular situation;

• I feel angry
• I fell embarrassed
• I like you

In identifying your feelings about the situation, use sensory descriptions that help to capture how you feel,

• I feel stepped on
• I feel hurt

Report what kind of action the feeling urges you to do,

• I feel like hugging you
• I feel closer to you
• I feel like withdrawing, running away

In describing your feelings, use “I” messages to own your statements.  Use these “I” statements to express your feelings instead of evaluating or blaming others;

• I feel hurt instead of You hurt me or You are inconsiderate
• I feel like my thoughts or feelings don’t count

Connect your feeling statement with some specific behaviour in the other person;

• I feel hurt when you leave without saying goodbye instead of I felt hurt because you were inconsiderate.
• I feel ignored when you are silent

Be direct; deliver your message to the person for whom it was intended, try also to express your request in one or two easy to understand sentences.

Try not to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling; check out their motives or about how they may react instead of filling your understanding gap with your own ideas as to motives or thoughts. This way you avoid labelling others behaviour. Their ways of being may hold very different explanations to those you are thinking.

Avoid sarcasm, character assassination or absolutes by stopping using words like, you never… you always… you constantly…the idea here is to widen the possibilities rather than end any discussions.

Avoid statements beginning with Why? Or you always ‘X’, this can put the other person on the defensive. Try: I don’t understand how this happened, can you tell me about ‘X’? Rather than fill the gap yourself ask the other person to do so, if you have difficulties with silence, practice letting the gap ‘hang’ don’t take silence from the other as guilt, blame; whatever. Trust that right now they are thinking, putting their words together. If the silence continues, suggest another time to meet and discuss any issues, then be there, don’t let the situation roll away from you.

Ask for feedback: Am I being clear? How do you see this? Asking for feedback helps correct any misperceptions you may have, as well as helping others realize that you are open to communication and are expressing an opinion, feeling or desire, rather than a demand.

Check your expectations; are you being reasonable? Are you willing to compromise?

TIPS FOR BEING ASSERTIVE

• Eye Contact: Make the person more interesting than what is on the floor… try and look at them, though don’t stare at them 100 percent of the time. Hold their eyes with care rather than hostility; smile.

• Body Posture: Try and face them. Stand or sit up.

• Distance and Physical closeness: If you can smell or feel the other person’s breath, you are too close; aim for a comfortable distance. If you are too close to somebody they will move away, stand still and let them create their personal space.

• Gestures: You can use hand gestures to add to what you are saying but do watch for negative reactions.

• Facial expression: Match your emotion and what you are saying.  Don’t laugh when you are upset and don’t frown when you are happy.  These mixed messages make communication more difficult.

• Voice: Tone, Volume and Inflexions; when making an assertive message, you want to be heard. To be heard clearly, pay attention to the tone of your voice is it happy, whiny, upset? The inflection of your voice: emphasis on which words?  Take care of the volume of your voice whispering or shouting will cause difficulties for the other.

• Fluency: It is important to get words out efficiently. If you stammer or ramble, listeners gets bored, if you need time to think of a response, say so: “To answer you the best way I can, I need time to think.”

• Timing: When expressing negative feelings or making a request of someone, this is especially important. Doing it on the spot in front of other people may not be the right time to do it. Do it as soon as there is a time for you and others to resolve your issues in private. If it is unavoidable and the situation is public, try not to involve others unnecessarily, if they have a point of view, politely suggest they involve themselves at a later point and after you’ve finished your discussion.

• Listening: An important part of assertiveness; if you are making statements that express your feelings without infringing on the rights of others, you need to give the other person a chance to respond. This does not of course mean you must listen to a tirade or further abuse. See ‘listening’ for more on this.

• Content: What you say is one of the most important parts of your assertive message. Depending on what you are trying to accomplish; the content is going to be different; rehearse it by yourself or with a friend until you feel you’ve got your message as clear as you can make it. Write it out or maybe put it on tape until you feel you’ve worked out clearly what you wish to say.

BEHAVIOURAL REHEARSAL: When practicing assertion with a friend or by yourself, work to these guidelines.

1. Did you feel confident and good about the assertion you displayed?
2. Did you stand up for your own rights without ignoring the rights of others?
3. What rights were you standing up for in the situation?
4. On a scale of 0-10, 10 being very confident, 0 being not confident, how much confidence did you feel in owning your rights in the situation?
5. Did you say and do what you wanted to say and do?
6. Did you speak directly, objectively and unapologetically, stating what you wanted?
7. Were your voice and body calm and firm?
8. Were you aware of the consequences of yourself and to the other person of being assertive in the situation?
9. Were you willing to face and or act to those consequences?
10. What steps will you now take regarding this situation?

Assertive techniques:

Responding to Criticism using Negative Assertion.

If the criticism is right: acknowledge it. “Yes, I didn’t do what you wanted.” Or “Yes, my work wasn’t up to my usual standard.”

1. Don’t automatically apologise
2. Don’t make excuses.
3. Don’t get defensive.
4. Don’t blame another

Instead; think about the situation and decide if you need to apologise. You might need to in order to save your job but in other situations you might not owe the other person an apology. You might have made an honest mistake. Remember: you are human and can make mistakes. This technique disarms your critic making them less angry and possibly less hostile. It’s a good way to avoid adding to the argument. Being assertive is knowing yourself and that means sometimes publicly accepting your difficulties as well as your blessings.

If someone is criticising you and part of what they say is true, but they are also trying to put you down or manipulate you, try Clouding.

Clouding is done in three ways:

1. Agree with what is right and ignore the rest. For example: “you watch too much TV, you are going to miss out on so many things in life.” You might say, “Yes, I do watch too much TV.”

2. Agree in probability: “Yeah, perhaps, or “it could be”, “it’s possible that” “I do watch too much TV”, or….

3. Agree in principle: “Yeah, if I do watch too much TV, I will miss out on life.”

In this last one you are agreeing with the criticism but not that you are doing it. This strategy can disarm your critic and may end the conversation. Again you are avoiding fuelling the argument. This also preserves your energy for the battles you need to fight rather than the skirmishes that irritate you.

Probing

Try Probing, if you don’t know if the criticism is constructive or manipulative.  If you need more information; ask “What is it about my X that bothers you?”

This will help the person explain more about their feelings. You can then respond with an acknowledgment, clouding, or more probing. Learn to let go if there is no problem; being assertive when the other is needling or nagging reinforces their behaviour-they now have your full attention. Think whether you want to give it or can let it go.

The Broken Record

To use this one you have to know what you want.

You use this when you want to say No to someone, and they don’t want No for an answer.

For example: a friend invites you over to their home to watch a meal. You have other plans or just don’t want to go. You know that they are going to try and change your mind.

1. Decide what you want to do.
2. Make up a one-line statement about it.
3. Don’t get into excuses or explanations. These just give the other person ammunition and loop holes for trying to manipulate your decision.
4. Don’t say, “I can’t.”
5. Say, “I don’t want to.” because if you wanted to you could, couldn’t you? The other person knows this and will use it.
6. Repeat your message as many times as necessary.
7. Don’t get sidetracked by the other person’s requests or statements.
8. It is ok to acknowledge what they are saying: such as “I hear you saying that… however, I don’t want to…”
9. “I know you have better things to do, but please come over.” Response: “No thanks, I don’t want to…”
10. “You never want to come over.” Response: I’d rather make plans with you to do something else another time. I don’t want to…”
11. “I don’t think you want to be my friend anymore. You always have other plans.” Response: “I’d rather make plans with you to do something else another time. I don’t want to…(do whatever)”

This may sound robotic and cold, but you have a right to refuse any request without being manipulated to comply. You always, always, always have the right to say No and others need to learn respect this and not take it personally. Respect comes from others honouring your judgements without them having to know the reasons why you do what you do. If you explain yourself all the time, they will learn to respect your argument and not you.

Compromise

Try not to offer any compromise that damages your self worth or self-respect, that’s not what compromising is about. A workable compromise is one where both people get their needs met.

Compromises involve both or all parties concerned saying what they want and then negotiating to best meet each other’s needs. A compromise in which you don’t get any of what you want and you then become resentful to the other(s) is not a compromise it’s a trap. Traps cause resentment and unfortunately that resentment will come back to you again.

There are many other assertiveness techniques that you can learn. The basic principals remain the same. State clearly what you think, feel and want. Remember; this doesn’t guarantee that your requests will be granted. Being assertive isn’t about always getting what you want. It’s about clear communication and taking good care of you. You may have to face your fear of being disliked, but then, if you were saying yes just to be liked, they liked your dishonesty and not the real you.

Am I Assertive?

Take this quiz to assess your success at assertive behaviour and pinpoint areas where you could become more assertive.

Score yourself between 1 and 5 on the following questions, with 1 meaning “Never”, 3 meaning “Sometimes” and 5 meaning “Always”.

1. I am comfortable meeting new people in social situations.
2. I am able to say “No” without feeling guilty or anxious.
3. I can express strong feelings such as anger, frustration or disappointment.
4. I can easily request help and information from others.
5. I am comfortable asking questions.
6. I am comfortable when I am being questioned.
7. I feel capable of learning new things and performing new tasks.
8. I am able to acknowledge and take responsibility for my own mistakes.
9. I can discuss my beliefs without judging those who don’t agree with me.
10. I am able to express my honest opinion to others, even if they don’t agree.
11. I tell others when their behaviour is not acceptable to me.
12. I can speak confidently in group situations.
13. I can express anger or disappointment without blaming others.
14. I believe my needs are as important as those of others and important enough to be considered.
15. I can assert my beliefs even when the majority disagrees with me.
16. I can delegate tasks to others.
17. I value my own experience and wisdom.

If you scored 45 to 60 overall, you are consistently assertive and probably handle most situations well.

A score of 30 to 45 indicates that you are able to be reasonably assertive in many areas but are unsure of yourself in others. Learning assertive behaviour techniques would definitely boost your score.

If you scored 15 to 30 you may have difficulty being assertive and could benefit greatly from learning and practising assertive behaviour.

Keep a copy of this quiz where you can see it every day.

Use it to remind yourself of areas you might improve yourself.

(c)neil benbow