Controlling women

I first wrote on Controlling men a couple of decades ago, since then the idea of controlling people: meaning people who control their relationships and environments by force, violence and abuse has become commonplace.

Especially regarding Men. In this case the father’s violence was recognised while the mothers never was despite being the primary carer as women often are.

Most of the people I will write about here are deceased or to be in their later years, they probably will not recognise themselves or the stories here: such is the distortion achieved by controlling personalities.

In this essay I will tell the story of ‘Gilly’

Her name itself suggests a bubbly lively personality, the corollary to the ‘charming man’ personality demonstrated by men, hiding their controlling ways with a veneer of sweetness.

Gilly at 21 years old took care over two children: a boy of 7 and a girl of 8 whose birth mother had abandoned them to their controlling abusive father at ages 3 and 4. They were placed in a children’s home for a year before the father found carers in the family home.

Gilly herself had come from a family of four: 3 older brothers and herself. One of the brothers had died young, having had a hole in his heart-those being the years where surgery was not yet available. As such this brother took most of that family’s caring time and efforts. She felt unrecognised at home and at 21 to be ‘on the shelf’

She told people at that time she relished being able to look after two children and they in turn wanted her to be ‘their Mum.’

Her first task was to move the ‘carers’ out of the house, which created friction as they regarded her as ill equipped and unable to care for these two children.

She needed to be tough to fight these people and to get rid of them, this is where she first became a heroine: taking on two kids and fighting for control of her husband’s house.

Once she had achieved that, she fought to him move away to ‘make a fresh start’

even though this meant increasing her husband’s commute, changing the children’s schools and vastly increasing the family debt on a new mortgage. She ‘only wanted the best’ she would say for her new family.

They moved to a newly built house, she did not want any of the old furniture, only new and this increased the family debt further. These debts would become a source of irritation as she had a strong desire to ‘keep up with the jones’s’

The younger child at this point was ‘wetting the bed’ a poor habit that took two years until he was nine to cure. In the children’s home this had been a cause for punishment and Gilly continued that, as he was adding to her daily burden of household work; having to wash sheets daily. Housework being a chore she hated, at her funeral it was noted ‘can’t cook won’t cook’ though she had at one point worked as head cook in a busy market town café.

This bedwetting was not helped by Gilly’s rule of putting both children to bed at 7.30pm – this continued until the boy left to join the navy. And that the children were not allowed to leave their rooms until called in the morning because any movement disrupted her sleep.

To avoid housework she trained her stepdaughter to take this on to a high standard or there would be punishments: slapping around the head and on one occasion pushing her so that the child fell down the stairs. Thankfully there were no broken bones.

As noted earlier the Father had been accused of domestic violence by the runaway mother, there were incidents of violence towards his new wife, as such the children grew up in an atmosphere of casual violence: between mum and dad, mum and the kids and dad and the kids. At Gilly’s funeral it was noted that Dad would ‘go round closing windows when there was going to be a row’

(the above was not the only strange line recited at her funeral-more to follow)

This behaviour created the rule of silence: nothing that happens at home nor family issues can be discussed with anyone. 

Omens like the (closing windows) above helped the kids to learn when to run and hide until the fight was over or they had received their punishments.

These punishments might range from verbal abuse: you are useless, worth nothing, have bad blood, are a waste of space, I hate you I hate you etc.

Then, when Gilly was wearing Scholl wooden soled sandals, to kicking the shins of both children – these then wore long socks to school to hide bruises and cuts. If these marks were seen, she would say: they are such clumsy kids, they are always banging into things. Both children now older adults, have dings on their shins from these kicks.

The myth of being a martyr, being hard done by began in these years. The family was broke: she resented her husband ‘I would not marry him again’ being one refrain. She resented the two children because ‘they took all the money’ for feeding, school clothes and shoes. The grift here was that because her life was hard she needed ‘special treats’ to compensate for these difficult times. Strawberries and fruits specified in her diet sheets as an example here.

That it was her choice to move and increase the family debt was a denial of any responsibility for these financial straits.

Chocolate became a binge thing, her weight would fluctuate, though she never again became thin. As she had when young and got to wear the latest fashionable clothes.

Chocolate became an issue on birthdays, Easter and Christmas when the kids presents would go missing: ‘you’ve already eaten them!’ which of course, they hadn’t. kids know these things. The children were often sent to bed hungry or be given their fathers work sandwiches from yesterday, toasted as ‘cowboy toast’ it was that or to be given nothing.

Such resents fed her temper and her need to be recognised as a heroine, she developed stories about these rotten kids to ‘big herself up’ and to hide that temper: ‘they play me up and I have to smack them.’

Where was the father in this? he was working or avoiding being at home.

He was a drinking man who needed to be out on Friday or Saturday nights, leaving their son in the family car outside the pub in all weathers. The internal light bulb would be taken out so he could not read or be seen, his job was to stay hidden and not to cause embarrassment to his parents drinking inside.

The father had only a few close friends at work: his best friend from work (his words not mine) told of nights out drinking and his total surprise that the father had children: in their 40 years of working together – including visits to the family home-these had never been acknowledged or mentioned.

These hours sitting outside the pub created intense boredom so the son would sneak off and got into mischief, resulting in being picked up by the police.

Which did cause trouble: they were embarrassed and claimed no idea about what might have caused the boy to misbehave. Around this time he began running away, one Christmas he was gone for a week, sleeping on a building site and being fed occasionally by friends. Only to be returned once more by the Police.

There was a report for the court made where the son was monosyllabic, the room given by the parents for him to be interviewed had a window where they could eavesdrop on every word – his answers would cause violence to him later. Eventually the social worker caught on and did any interviews in his car outside the house.

The boy ended up in court where fines were given, this when he joined the royal Navy aged 15 ½ (another running away) led to Gilly creating the legend that the boy was given a choice: join the Navy or get sent to Borstal.

This was untrue but never came to his ears until many years later when the damage was done. The legend was created to show what poor Gilly had to contend with. This divide and rule by rumours and whispers is a classic controlling personality trait.

Gilly & his father never attended any school meetings or rugby games even when he played for the school in matches. Further isolating the children and in fear of being found out

One of Gillys brothers at this time did try to intervene: offering an hour a week for the boy to talk to him and his wife. Unfortunately and which they did not know, these hours would be agenda’d by Gilly: setting out what could be talked about and what couldn’t. The dark side of these meetings came when he slipped up and talked on something that was bothering him; more violence followed.

Nowhere was safe, not home not school: a teacher took him out of school one day to try and talk about what was happening – he was starting to fail at school, being unable to focus there because of violence at home. But of course: he could not talk about home or anything that was bothering him.

The children were not allowed to bring friends home, they were not allowed to attend friend’s birthday parties and if they were allowed out had to be specific on where they were going, time to come home and exactly who they would be with.

If there were visitors to the home of any kind, the children were sent to their rooms and told to be quiet or else.

One evening the son came home from school, he’d played rugby after school. There was no dinner waiting for him & when he complained he was hungry she pushed him so hard his head went through a glass window. This was his fault for making her do that and his fault a new window would now need paying for.

If either of these children spoke of any issues; the beatings or the abuse they were branded as ‘Liars.’ This (projection) added to over the years has proven to be almost impossible to overcome: if they speak now of any these issues written here they were not believed. To be an abused person and not be believed is perhaps one of the unkinder cuts given by Gilly: the perpetrator.

At Gilly’s funeral eulogy mention was made of her sense of fun: how great a ‘blagger’ she was by talking her way into events without invitation. (blagger here means: telling lies to get her way) How mischievous she was,

creating scenes and dramas and how if she didn’t want to do something then it wasn’t happening.

All innocuous stuff if you’re not paying attention. What was really being said there is true of her: she had few boundaries except those that she set and woe betide anybody who got in the way of those she wanted.

I should note here: for a supposed outgoing fun personality she had very few friends and her neighbours refused to deal with her. Her husband’s family hated her, they say now:

we ‘knew something was wrong’ but ‘didn’t know what to do’ in case we ‘made the situation worse.’

People knew something was ‘off’ about her and her need to be the centre of attention, but could not quite name what she was about.

This to me references her narcissism: in that people got fed up with being controlled/being told how to think/what to do and if they can leave: they do.

There are other aspects in play here: on his first leave home from the Navy his bedroom had been redecorated. All childhood books, toys and music were gone, either given to her new son or thrown away.

Gilly took 2/3rds of his pay on that first arrival home and then complained when he had to use his bank account to survive. This was after Navy initial basic training: 3 months.

On his next leave Gilly had found him a job working in a local petrol station ‘to help pay his way.’ On later leaves, he would arrive ‘home’ having nowhere else to go to and then wander around the country rough sleeping or camping out in the woods

until he returned to barracks.

Gilly would still take his pay for ‘his keep’

Here I have attempted to write about Gilly, her controlling behaviours, violence and verbal abuse and the effect that this has and had on the children in her care.

Gilly created rifts within that family that can never be healed because some still see her as a ‘fun bubbly person’ and others having felt the brunt of her controlling behaviour have learned through therapy to understand her better: as a controlling personality.

In this essay I believe I have demonstrated these characteristics:

1. a person who ‘controls the narrative’ and giving violence to keep that narrative as ‘true’
2. creates stories and legends that paint themselves in a favourable light while undermining/damaging the ‘other’
3. will be violent and or verbally abusive if the narrative or their demands are not met
4. isolates those they are in relationship with from others-other family members, social workers, the police and other authorities.
5. sets the agenda for the other person’s life: you can talk about this, but not this, this or this etc. this is how I want you to be. I set your goals.
6. gaslighting: your experience is not valid, I will tell you what to believe and what is happening.
7. the need to be the centre of attention: I am a martyr to these rotten children and the rotten things they do, they are ungrateful and unworthy.
8. the continual criticism: you are worthless, will never achieve anything. The telling of stories in front of others of how rotten they were.
9. financial control: any monies were hers to decide how they would be spent, any money was to be hers to control.
10.  not taking responsibility: you made me put your head through that window, I am a victim of my circumstances.
11.  changes in mood: if there was an audience Gilly would be kind and caring, the moment they left she would resort to bitterness, anger & violence to get her way.

All of these and more were Gilly’s behavioural patterns. Classic controlling behaviours. None of these were ever picked up by anybody associated with these children:

the father was identified the problem and Gilly the primary carer could hide and point her finger to say: him, not me.

There was no referee, no umpire, no authority figure and no arbiter of fair play for these children, they were rotten, ungrateful and worth nothing.

Any and all authority figures these children came into contact with never once questioned Gilly’s narrative. They could not see past the illusion created.

This is the first time their history has been written about.

(c) neil benbow ’25